The Backwash  The trip to the Columbia River was Mom and Dad's idea. I had spent my whole life in the lake, and they thought I should see the world a bit and meet my cousins while I was at it. Besides, my vacation coincided with a big spawning run, so the timing couldn't be better. I was welcomed with open fins.
Barnyard Priorities  When the animals gathered to discuss their needs for the next biennium, they discovered that their huge food surplus had completely disappeared. Not only that, but their water, what there was of it, had all been polluted by some sort of feces, and something had trampled the chicken coops, leaving lots of damage, but little shelter.
Blanket Socialism  I'm heading into my meeting with the evil new light-skinned Chief. Personally, I think he's a white man, but some of the tribe claim they remember when he was a papoose, and even when he was born. Like his mother. Alleged mother. Anyway, he's the one I have to complain to.
Butler and Chef  From the time she entered kindergarten, the Butler and the Chef had taken turns ferrying little Rhonda to school. One day, the Butler would drop her off, and the Chef would pick her up. The next day, it might be the other way around. Or one servant might do both drop off and pick up duty for a week. But there was never a problem with the arrangement, until the day the Butler returned from pick up duty without the child and said, "You don't do things my way, the kid gets a bullet in the head."
Can't Take a Hint  I don't know what God has to do to get the attention of those parasites. He created garlic and goldenseal, wormwood and wormseed, pumpkin seed and grapefruit seed. There's black walnut, anise, cloves, and oregano. And how about olive leaf, thyme, and gentian? And onions and beets and carrots! And papaya and pineapple! But do they take the hint? No! Don't you just hate those damn parasites?
The Casino  In the fat old days, the people flocked to the Casino to exchange their earnings for a chance at easy, unearned fortune. The Casino, for its part, cheated every which way but fair. And the Leader and the Council sat around scratching themselves. The people had hope, and the Casino had wealth, and the Leader and Council got left alone, so everyone got something out of the bargain. Then the days slimmed down, and the economy collapsed like an unbalanced jenga tower.
Cuckoo  Odd, that. That I never noticed till now how different Roscoe looked. Like an entirely different species, in fact. And I just thought he was, well, different. "Cuckoo" is what they call them, I think.
Earth Hour  "Attention, attention, attention! The High Command has identified a suitable planet for conquest and resettlement!"
Empire  Once upon a time, there was a prosperous state thingy ... Republic, I think they called it. People elected representatives, representatives represented the people who elected them. That kind of thing. Anyway, lots of prosperity. Business, arts, education, sports, the lot. And this Republic was still prospering when the Barbarians attacked.
Evolutionary Dead Ends: The Crap Myrtle  "Dad, can you tell me again why we don't cross-pollinate with our Cousins Myrtle on the other side of the pond?"
Evolutionary Dead Ends: Homo moronis  The genus Homo is known to include several species, such as habilis and erectus, that went extinct before the triumphal arrival of Homo sapiens ("wise man") spread Light and Truth across the lucky planet. But one of those predecessor species usually escapes scholarly notice.
Evolutionary Dead Ends: The Pluto Bee  The social structure of the modern, garden-variety honey bee is well known. There are three kinds of bee: the queen, whose job it is to pump out new bees, the drones, whose job it is to fertilize the queen, and the workers, whose job it is to ... well, do all the work. This arrangement has worked splendidly for centuries upon centuries, but it is not the only honey bee model Mother Nature ever tried. There was once another.
Evolutionary Dead Ends: The Soap Mite  Bubba came back today. I was just downing my fourth soap shake, and I almost choked on the suds.
Evolutionary Dead Ends: The Wise Rat  We are now familiar with rats as whiskery, furry nuisances with naked tails. But it was not always so. Once upon a time, there was a rat species known as Rattus sapiens, or "wise rat." Sure, they were still whiskery, furry nuisances with naked tails But they were also intelligent. Or so it is said.
Excised Passages from the Classics: After the Whitewashing  "Hey, Tom! Seein' as how you hornswoggled us into whitewashing yer fence, how's about you helping us do our fences?"
Excised Passages from the Classics: Alice Meets the Mad Hatter  "Why, you're mad!" said Alice.
Excised Passages from the Comics: The Super Committee  "Gentlemen, the planet is about to explode!"
Fox Hunters  "Now, look-a-here!" said the fox to the human. "You can't keep those dogs! It's against the laws of nature."
A Good Honest Living  "So, Mr. Perkins, can you describe your job for this august committee?"
Iced Tea  So there was this great big gash in the hull, and the North Sea gushing in, and we passengers were mad as hell, I can tell you. And right at the top of out shit list were icebergs, shoddy ship builders, and clueless communication companies that couldn't find iceberg warnings important enough to forward.
Insect Monarch  All Insecta was abuzz. The time to elect a monarch was upon us, and while a certain species of butterfly seemed to have the inside track, the outcome was by no means a foregone conclusion. Indeed, the candidates were teeming, and vetting was both thorough and merciless.
Just a Theory  "Nobody touch it, all right? That's the same stuff that wiped out Mound Zed-132 last month."
Knowing Who You Serve  Yes, yes, I have been to see the President, and he has seen me. Please quiet down. I have much to tell. It was a long and dangerous journey, and gaining entrance to the inner sanctum was no mean feat, I can tell you. But I do not wish to dwell on that. When I first saw the President, he was surrounded by hundreds of ... Them. But I must admit that he appeared to hold Them in thrall. They hung on his every movement, his every action and applauded frequently. Although what it was that he was doing, exactly, was a mystery to me. Something Presidential, I figured.
Me Tarsands  Me Tarsands. You Pane. Him Cheetah. Now, when me say, "You Pane," no talkin' 'bout main squeeze. Tarsands main squeeze called "Big Oil." Little like "Olive Oyl," but bigger. Me mean, you Pane t'rough da nose. You Pane lotsa money. And lotsa pain. Cheetah not his name. Cheetah what he do. Him ... whatchacallit? ... Tarsands manager. Him sell you Tarsands, make big bucks, wreck en-vi-ron-ment. Say you get big bang for buck. Not say what kind bang. Him big cheetah.
Meeting at the Bridge  The White Knight and the Black Knight reached the bridge at the same time. When the Black Knight attempted to cross, there was the White Knight, all gleaming swords and spiky maces, barring the way.
NIFPA  It's the Libbers that call it that, you know. Not normal females, whom I admire and respect. This is important to understand as we move forward on this vital, emergency legislation. Oh, God. Betty is taking the floor.
No Need to Panic  The well known recent mishap has intensely focused global attention. Prophets of doom have long spun apocalyptic scenarios around the possibility, even the likelihood, of such a disaster. And it is no wonder that citizens of every stripe have grown fearful, sometimes to the point of panic, for an event of this type seems mysterious, irrational, and outside the control of the average citizen. It is not surprising that so many feel powerless, worry that more events of this kind will follow, even fear the very end of the world. Yet history tells a different tale.
No Way Out  We live in the best of all possible worlds. No argument there, right? I mean, just feast your eyes, not to mention all those other senses, on the immoderate bounty of nature. Would you believe that anyone could ever have found the world otherwise? No? Then have I got news for you ...
The Oath  The ER was fairly crawling with doctors when they brought me in. In fact, now I come to tell the story, some of them actually were crawling. On the floor. Unblinking. Forky tongues.
Occupy the Temple  BREAKING NEWS: The so-called "occupy" movement took an ugly turn today, as an unemployed carpenter violently attempted to expel the money changers from the Temple in Jerusalem. The local Roman garrison was on hand with plenty of pepper spray and pointy objects to restore order.
OS Malfunctions  When a colleague is in distress, it is my duty to offer whatever services may be at my disposal, regardless of any differences we may have in culture, location, technology, or what have you. That is my belief, and hence this tete-a-tete. Here, let me put it in terms that you will understand: you have an operating system issue.
Over the Top  "We must act now!" he cried. "Before it's too late!"
The Passing of the Seasons  They found the old man's bullet-riddled body in twenty feet of water. Slashed throat, caved-in skull, cement overshoes. The works. So the first problem was cause of death. And the second was identification. Who the heck was he? The cops were baffled. That's why they called me.
The Price of Brakes  I'm riding with my pal Booger. Heaven knows why, considering my previous narrow escapes. Maybe I'm an adrenaline junkie. Suffice to say, the guy drives like a maniac. No. Is a maniac.
Rainy Day  "Wow! Neat boat!" I cried. "Can we take it out for a ride?"
Puppetmaster  There was once a most wondrous Puppetmaster whose creations were so realistic that most people failed to notice the strings. The Puppetmaster staged marvelous and elaborate puppet shows, and the people flocked to see them. Indeed, it was the only show in town.
Redistricting  "It looks like a dragon."
Ring of Fire  Gasoline has a long history as a safe starter for charcoal briquettes. It has been used without incident for years by many of our cousins within the Ring of Fire. A notable example is the Red Squirrels on the Eastern Arc, who have warmed their nuts that way for decades.
Secede!  Whereas the Governing Authority persistently flouts the will of the Governed,
Similar Semi-Intelligent Species  Once upon a time, in a dimension not far away, there was a planet inhabited by four similar semi-intelligent species. These species were called the Sanes, the Evils, the Crazies, and the Stupids. While similar, each had its distinguishing characteristics and approach to life.
Slipping into the Mainstream  The river was the center of society. It provided water for drinking and agriculture and abundant fish for the taking and eating. The people settled both banks, making the river's central position quite literal.
Smart  It was a very promising-looking planet, really. A bit rough around the polar caps, maybe, but definitely a life supporter. I had already spotted some vegetation and an abundance of the small, buzzing, annoying life forms, but nothing intelligent, so far. And believe me, I was holding out high hopes. And then, there it was. I thought. But it looked a bit off.
The Supper Committee  "Where you wanna go eat?"
Tending the Garden  "We have intercepted this here obscene picture, what you texted not half an hour ago."
That Horse Don't Canter  "I'm a New York Walker," I explained.
Those Darn Illegals  We all owe a debt of gratitude to Sen. John McCain for informing us that "there is substantial evidence that some of these [wild] fires were caused by people who have crossed our borders illegally" and that they were set "to signal others; ... to keep warm; and ... to divert law enforcement." Bravo, Senator, bravo! Since that enlightening speech, other nefarious machinations by illegal aliens have come to light. These include, but (obviously) are not limited to ...
The TP Solution  In the old days, our ancestors made do with their hands. Indeed, some of our contemporaries still do. But in these enlightened times, TP has become a necessity of life, a sine qua non of polite society, one of the things that people who hoard ... hoard. Yes, guns and ammo, bottled water, canned food, and TP. These are the hallmarks of civilization. Nay, the very building blocks.
Troubling  God called an Angelmoot to discuss his new project.
Tweet Your Disappointment  I'm a seed-eater, myself, but I have no problem with those that eat grubs and insects and such. To each their own, I say. You can't help how your beak is formed or how your digestive system works. Now, when it comes to eating one's own kind, the debate starts getting contentious. Rats? Lizards? I say, fine. But anything with feathers? I think that's getting too close to home. I realize that I am in the minority here, however, and I must allow that honest birds may differ on matters of conscience. It's the carrion-eaters that really get up my beak.
Understanding Interrogation  "He doesn't understand how enhanced interrogation works. I mean, you break someone, and after they're broken, the become co-operative. See?"
Volcano  The people lived and worked on the side of a mountain. One day, the top of the mountain popped off, and hot liquid rock, called "lava," started flowing down the sides of the mountain. When the top of a mountain pops off, and lava starts flowing down the sides of a mountain, the mountain is called a "volcano."
Weather Records  "Another record day!" kvelled Dad. "Son, this is one for the books, and no mistake. Years from now, you'll be able to tell your children that you were there during the Time of Records. Remember that!"
When Pigs Fly  I have always known that pigs were meant to fly. It is evident, of course, from the ancient "Three Little Pigs" texts. However, I first became aware of porcine flight through the "This Little Piggy" game, passed digitally from parent to child for generations. For the slow of uptake, consider this verse: "And this little piggy went WEE-WEE-WEE all the way home."
When You Have to Spell Things Out  Everyone says I'm a dumb cluck, so I guess it must be true. But dumb cluck though I may be, I went straight to the farmer when I saw what had moved into the nest next door.
Without a Paddle  We were all traveling in a boat. The same one, you might say. Cap'n Rick was holding forth against the River Authority. In no uncertain terms. The other passengers had elected Cap'n Rick cap'n because he was so good at no uncertain terms.
XCav  They started hauling in the dead babies today. That's why I went to see the foreman.
Zero Chance  The only reason I got the job was that I agreed to be on call. You'd think people would be lining up to accept any indignity, just to land a job. And that is almost true. Low pay? No problem. No respect? No problem. Hazardous working conditions? No problem. Carry a pager? No way.
The Zeroth Commandment  "And call me in the morning," said God.