Homo moronis

Evolutionary Dead Ends: Homo moronis

The genus Homo is known to include several species, such as habilis and erectus, that went extinct before the triumphal arrival of Homo sapiens ("wise man") spread Light and Truth across the lucky planet. But one of those predecessor species usually escapes scholarly notice.

Homo moronis ("not-so-wise man") was strikingly similar to his more intelligent cousin in almost every respect. The main difference between the two species was, well, ... maybe this history will help to explain that.

The poor humanoids were sorely beset by a variety of predators and might have passed anonymously before the blink of history had it not been for one unusually intelligent member of their species. His name was Glug, and he was a mere nipper when he made his nearly historic break-through.

"Mom! Dad!" cried Glug excitedly. "Look what I've got!"

"Eeee-aiiii!" cried Mom and Dad in unison. "Run for it!"

"No, no!" replied Glug. "He's quite friendly. Look!" And Glug scratched the thing behind its ears, while it responded with closed eyes and every evidence of ecstasy.

"But that's one of those hunt-us-down-in-packs things," called Dad from the tree he had scooted up. These humanoids weren't very good at naming things. They called a tree a "run-for-it-here-come-the-toothy-things."

"Yeah, but I've discovered that you can ... what I call 'tame' them," explained Glug. "Persuade them to think of us as their pack, kind of. I think I'll call this one 'dog' because that's a lot shorter and easier to remember than 'hunt-us-down-in-packs thing.'"

Just then, a spotty toothy thing jumped out of a run-for-it-here-come-the-toothy-things. Dog growled and took off after the spotty toothy thing, which leapt away. Since the spotty toothy thing did so much leaping, the humanoids called them "leapers," which was perhaps the apex of their thinking.

"Now, that is a pretty handy thing," allowed Mom from her run-for-it-here-come-the-toothy-things. "Do you suppose we could get them to kill each other?"

"I, um, don't think you quite get it," said Glug diplomatically. "Dog can live with us and not hurt us and protect us from the other toothy things. And we can have other dogs, too."

From there, the dog industry took off, Homo moronis took off, and the toothy things fell on hard times.

Then, one day, a couple of big-tawny-some-of-'em-have-you-know-those-big-puffy-hair-dos toothy things trapped one of the humanoids.

"Ah, ha!" growled one of the big-tawny-some-of-'em-have-you-know-those-big-puffy-hair-dos toothy things. "Your 'dog' things can't save you now!"

"Ah, phooey on dogs!" replied the humanoid. "They screw up the natural order, preventing the Magic of the Jungle from doing its stuff."

"What?" snapped the second big-tawny-some-of-'em-have-you-know-those-big-puffy-hair-dos toothy thing. "Let's rip its throat out!"

"Hang on!" cautioned the first big-tawny-some-of-'em-have-you-know-those-big-puffy-hair-dos toothy thing. "I think this prey animal may be on to something. Explain, prey animal."

"I am awed and humbled at being in the presence of the movers and shakers of the jungle," simpered the humanoid. "Dogs are evil. They're way too big! My goal is to breed them down to a size where they can be smothered in the mud wallows where we bathe."

"Oh, it's having us on!" growled the second big-tawny-some-of-'em-have-you-know-those-big-puffy-hair-dos toothy things. "Let's eat it!"

"No, wait!" insisted the first big-tawny-some-of-'em-have-you-know-those-big-puffy-hair-dos toothy things. "I propose that we sponsor this thing. Here's the deal. You, prey animal, go flog your bullshit among the other prey animals, and we won't eat you. In fact, you can hang out with us and even eat some of the other prey we kill. And if you can find any other prey animals to peddle your stuff with you, they get the same deal."

"I am honored," said the humanoid reverently. "May I kiss your noble buttocks, please?"

And he proceeded to do so.

After that, the Gospel of the Magic of the Jungle spread far and wide, and Homo moronis, being not-so-wise, gobbled it up. The humanoids turned against their dogs, turned them out, and bred them down in size until the last one was at last smothered in a mud wallow.

Which is why the only surviving Homo species is the one that isn't that stupid.