Troubling

God called an Angelmoot to discuss his new project.

"It's about this new planet I'm working on," began the Creator.

"Yes?" prompted the angels. "We're all a-flutter."

"Well, I'm getting tired of creating everything from scratch," said God, a bit whinily.

"I thought that was easy for you," said Michael.

"It is," God admitted. "Easy and boring. So I've come up with a new plan. I'm going to make this planet self-sufficient and self-perpetuating. The creatures will create new copies of themselves without my intervention."

"Won't it get crowded?" asked Gabriel.

"Nope!" said God triumphantly. "The old ones will die to make room for the new ones, and all the parts will be recycled. They will kill and eat each other to keep a nice even flow going."

Some of the angels looked a little dyspeptic.

"Well, ok," said Lucifer, "I'm sure it will be another triumph. But why the big meeting, if you already have everything worked out?"

"Ah," said God, raising a divine finger for emphasis. "We approach the point! Death, decay, slaughter, and gluttony, I have whipped. It's the reproductive part that I'm a bit stuck on."

"How about they break a piece off, stick it in the ground, and it grows into another one?" suggested Gabriel.

"Not ba-ad," replied God carefully. "I actually do have plans for variations on that theme. But ... and I hate to keep beating the same drum ... that gets boring. The problem is, you keep getting exact copies that way."

"So?" asked Michael. "Isn't that the point?"

"No, it isn't, actually," said God in his most schoolmasterly tone. "There's no growth in that. No creativity. I want my creatures to be more ... adaptable."

"Oh, kind of like smart computers, huh?"

"Don't be a smartass, Lucifer," sniffed the Deity. "Now, I do have an idea, but I would like to run it by y'all. Here it is: I have invented what I call 'sexual reproduction.' You divide a species into two kinds of creature, called 'male' and 'female.' The male, uh, inserts some of his DNA into the female. I call this 'sex.' DNA from the male and female combine to make a new creature. The new creature has some characteristics of each of its progenitors, and maybe even some surprising new characteristics."

"Well, bravissimo, eh?" said Gabriel. "Sounds good to me. Are we done here? "

"Not exactly," God replied. "There's one problem: sex is dirty."

"Like ... unhygienic?" asked Michael. "Not sanitary?"

"Um, sort of," said God. "That is, maybe a little. But what I mean is, ... it's disgusting! Not something two moral, upstanding creatures should do!"

"Do they have to do it standing up?" asked Lucifer.

"That's not the point," said God.

"I'm not quite understanding," said Gabriel. "If you say it's good, it's good. Right? Or you could make it good. Right? I mean, you being the god around here."

God shook his holy head sadly. "Afraid not," he said. "Sex is inherently filthy. There's nothing I can do about it."

"Then, I guess you'll have to do something else, huh?" said Michael.

God shook his head again. "There isn't anything else," he said.

"But how can you not be able ... " stammered Lucifer. "That is, how could something be beyond ... Oh, forget it."

"I didn't call you here to give me lip," growled the Lord. "I'm looking for some damage-control ideas. Apparently, I'm stuck with sex. Now, how can I keep it to a minimum?"

"How about the male breaks his thingy off during sex and then dies immediately?" suggested Lucifer.

"Let me write that down," said God, pulling out a pad and pencil.

"Or they could only do it, like, once a year."

"Or one of them bites the other one's head off after."

"Or the males have to fight over the females, and only one male gets to have sex."

"Or it's just no fun, and you only do it when you have to."

The ideas were flowing freely now, and God was writing furiously. Finally, he put down the pencil and said, "Those are all good. Well, mostly good. I don't know about that last one. I do detest fun, but who's going to do it if it isn't fun? Hmm. I'll have to save that one for humans. I intend to work all the rest of them in. But my humans will require special handling. For them, I have marriage!"

"What's 'marriage?'" asked Gabriel.

"It means they can't have sex unless it's approved by one of my designees," explained God. "And before you ask, my designees shall be known by the way they tell everyone, loudly and often, that they are my designees. Anyway, my designee has to say some words over the prospective marriees and give them a signed document allowing them to have sex. Then they can have sex with each other, but with no one else. Marriage is a special bond between two humans of opposite sex who love each other beyond all others."

"I thought sex was dirty," chirped Lucifer.

"Which is why," said God didactically, "it should only be performed with someone very special!"

"Right," muttered Lucifer. "Got it. I think."

"So, humans cannot have sex unless they're married," said Gabriel.

"Oh, no," said God. "They can, but they shouldn't. It's more of a rule."

"Ah, but they can't reproduce, right?" asked Michael.

"No, they can," said God.

"And the reason for marriage is ...?" prompted Lucifer.

"To reduce the frequency of sex," replied God. "And to give the humans a choice, of course."

"And what choice is that?" asked Lucifer.

"Why, to avoid offending me by engaging in filthy sex or to be tortured for eternity, of course," said God. "Isn't it obvious?"

"There must be a simpler, kinder way," said Lucifer. "How about the one where she bites off his head?"

"Lucifer, Lucifer," sighed God. "What am I going to do with you? I have to give them a choice. I owe it to them."