The Zeroth Commandment

"And call me in the morning," said God.

So Moses took the two tablets and began the trudge down Mount Sinai. It had been a long, arduous ordeal, but receiving the Commandments from the Lord made it all worthwhile. How the Children of Israel would rejoice! Moses looked forward to the reception he would receive!

So it should not be surprising that he was a might miffed when he discovered his fellow Israelites cavorting around some sort of ... cow thing.

"What is this?" gasped Moses.

"Oh, it's the Golden Calf," replied one of the Israelites. "We figured you weren't coming back - killed by a lion or fell off the mountain or something - so we made this to worship. To be honest, we never completely bought your guy in the sky theory. Never trust anything you can't see. That's my philosophy. So ... glad you made it back, after all. How's things?"

"I go off for a couple of days to talk with God for your welfare, and this is what I get when I come back?" cried Moses. "Destroy that abomination immediately, and just hope God has a sense of humor!"

"Now, let's not get too hasty here," oozed a buttoned-down voice.

"Hasty?" snapped Moses. "Hasty? Who the heck are you, anyway?"

"I'm the Chief Justice of the Sanhedrin," smirked the voice. "And this is a judicial matter. We have jurisdiction here."

"Aren't you the guy who's so friendly with that ... corporation?" asked Moses. "What's it called? 'Bovine Gilt, Inc.,' isn't it?"

"Force Hale, at your service," smiled the Chief Justice, extending a well manicured paw.

"At my service?" asked Moses suspiciously.

"No, not really your service," admitted Chief Justice Hale. "Just a figure of speech. Anyway, the Sanhedrin finds that Golden Calves are gods, too. Gold is their source of religious authority."

"Oh, yeah?" replied Moses. "By what vote?"

"Five to four," said the Chief Justice. "Get used to it."

Thus was born the Zeroth Commandment, also known as the Gold Rule. To this day, it trumps the other ten. And that's it: "Gold rules."