Ring of Fire

Constituent Response, 3/11/Year of the Hazelnut

Dear Mr. Chucky,

Thank you for contacting me regarding the safety of our gasoline supplies. I welcome your thoughts and comments.

Gasoline has a long history as a safe starter for charcoal briquettes. It has been used without incident for years by many of our cousins within the Ring of Fire. A notable example is the Red Squirrels on the Eastern Arc, who have warmed their nuts that way for decades.

As to your question, and I quote, "Don't you realize that we are surrounded by a great, big, fucking forest fire," I should caution you that your injudicious use of the f-word allows me to castigate you and ignore the substance of anything you say, as swearing is far more shocking than being torched to cinders. However, I am the "moderate" among your representatives in the Nut House, so I will cut you some slack.

Yes, I am aware that we are surrounded by ... the kind of conflagration that you mention. However, civilized squirrels ignore that because everything has been fine so far. With very few exceptions. As I mentioned, the Red Squirrels have enjoyed years of prosperity and safety out on the Eastern Arc.

Until the recent unpleasantness. I must stress that the gale-force wind, accompanied by the unfortunate change of direction, was a very rare phenomenon, and unlikely to happen again for many years, if ever. Such an occurrence is extremely unlikely to occur in our sector, in spite of what some meteorologists have been saying.

The gasoline explosions have been well contained and are expected to stop any day now. Eastern Arc citizens have been advised to hole up in ... their holes until the gasoline-fed inferno is brought under control. Hollow trees are deemed best. In any case, what is happening in the Eastern Arc could never happen here because we Gray Squirrels are smarter than those Red Squirrels and also have a better religion.

In summary, remember that

1. Gasoline is very safe, as demonstrated by the history of our Eastern Arc neighbors.

2. The incident you have heard about is not that bad.

3. Even if it is, it's under control.

4. Even if it isn't, it could never happen here.

5. Even if it could, it couldn't be as bad as what happened in the Eastern Arc.

6. Even if it could, gasoline is the only way to warm your nuts, and you want your nuts warmed, don't you?

So that settles it. Full steam ahead on stocking gasoline!

I appreciate the opportunity to represent you in the Nut House. I will keep your views in mind. Please do not hesitate to contact me on any issue of concern to you.

Sincerely,

A. Sciurus, Esquirrel

Nut House Representative