When Pigs Fly

I have always known that pigs were meant to fly. It is evident, of course, from the ancient "Three Little Pigs" texts. However, I first became aware of porcine flight through the "This Little Piggy" game, passed digitally from parent to child for generations. For the slow of uptake, consider this verse: "And this little piggy went WEE-WEE-WEE all the way home."

Admittedly, the "Three Little Pigs" texts are more problematic. Apocryphal elements have crept into some of the texts. But I can clear this up for you. Any version of the story in which the wolf does not get boiled is heretical. Once the authenticity issues have been settled, it is obvious that pigs were intended to fly. The only at all vexing question that remains is when?

Before I answer this question, for I have indeed solved it, I wish to answer my antiporcine critics. To support their claim that I am stark, raving barmy they offer as "proofs" the following:

1. Pigs do not have wings.

2. Pigs are too heavy and unaerodynamic to fly, even if they did have wings.

3. No pig has ever flown, except on an airplane.

In response, I say:

1. I give you the bumblebee.

2. They give more weight to what they call "objective reality" than to my idiosyncratic textual exegeses, which I hereby substitute for other people's "reality."

So there. Returning to the date of the porcine aviation event, I have calculated it to happen on May 21, 2011. When that day arrives, those critics will be snorting out of the other side of their snouts, I can tell you.

May 22, 2011.

I am flabbergasted that pigs did not fly yesterday. I am completely flummoxed that my obscurantist ravings failed to replace physical reality.

No, wait. Just a minute. I see it now. Misplaced decimal. Is my face red! Ok, now, I've got it! The new pigs-fly date is October 21, 2011.

You can count on it.