Tending the Garden

or Candide Comes to 21st Century America

"Il faut cultiver notre jardin." - Voltaire in Candide

"We have intercepted this here obscene picture, what you texted not half an hour ago."

Candide squinted up at the large law enforcement officer at the door. "It's a rutabaga," he said. "My friends and I have a very productive garden here, and rutabagas are my specialty. I'm very proud of that rutabaga."

"Looks obscene to me," sniffed the cop, looking down his nose at Candide. "Whatcha say yer name is?"

"Candide," said Candide.

"Sounds foreign to me," said the cop suspiciously.

"Well, yes, it would," admitted Candide. "To you. I'm French."

"Can you prove that yer not in this country illegally?" asked the cop through narrowed eyes, no mean feat in itself.

"Of course," replied Candide. "I have a green card. Not on my person at the moment, but I can find it."

"Yeah, that's what I thought," sneered the cop. "Another illegal."

"No, no," chirped Candide, finally becoming alarmed. "I have it right here." He liberated the fugitive document from its hiding place.

"We'll see about that," said the cop grudgingly. "Looks like a cheap forgery."

"No, no, it isn't!" insisted Candide. "Everything is legitimate!"

"What about that garden you mentioned?" probed the cop. "I gotta take a look at that. What have you got? Drugs?"

"No, no drugs," cried Candide in exasperation. "Come on. I'll show you."

"Hmm," mused the cop. "Gonna have to take some of them seeds to the lab to make sure they aren't patented genetically altered seeds."

"Oh, they aren't," Candide assured him. "We use only organic."

"Don't make no difference," said the cop. "That altered stuff's pollen's getting into everything. You're probably in violation somewhere."

"Look," objected Candide, "we're not bothering anyone. We're just gardening. Minding our own business. Let me explain something. We discovered that the world is an insane hellhole, full of sadistic, delusional megalomaniacs addicted to war, violence, crime, and every kind of cruelty, misery, and stupidity. And that's fine with us. We understand that we can't have any effect on you ... I mean, them ..., that it will always be an insane hellhole, and the only way to survive in a world like that is to leave it alone and just tend your own garden. So that's what we're doing. Minding our own business. All we want is to be left alone. Is that so much to ask?"

"So, you don't support our troops," scowled the cop. "Is that it?"