A Good Honest Living

"So, Mr. Perkins, can you describe your job for this august committee?"

"Certainly, Mr. Chairman," said Perkins diffidently. "I'm a bank manager at Security First Trust and Federal Reserve."

"And what does that entail, Mr. Perkins?" queried the Chairman.

"In simplest terms," explained Perkins, "I take money from bank customers, embezzle it, and pass it on to the Mob."

"I see," said the Chairman, "And how does this job enable you able to live with yourself?"

"Only very frugally, I'm afraid," replied Perkins.

"I understand your salary is around 100K, not counting benefits," continued the Chairman.

"Yes," said Perkins. "Pathetic, isn't it?"

"But don't your Mob friends ... supplement your salary in any way?" probed the Chairman.

"No, that would constitute a conflict of interest," said Perkins piously.

"Why, then, do you serve the Mob?" asked the Chairman.

"It's my duty as a good citizen," said Perkins. "Money should be in the hands of people who deserve it and know how to use it. Our customers would only squander it on drugs, alcohol, bank accounts, and other poor-people things. That's part of it. The other part is the reason I'm testifying before your committee. To urge you to kill that awful bill."

"And what 'awful bill' are you referring to?" asked the Chairman. "There are so many. Ha, ha."

"I mean, of course, the one that would prohibit me from taking a job with the Mob when I quit the bank," said Perkins passionately. "Why else would anyone take a shitty, low-paying job like mine, unless he could use it as a springboard to a job with the Mob?"

"So you see," said the Chairman, turning to his nodding colleagues, "why we have to defeat this bill. It would prohibit people from making a good honest living once they leave the bank."

I wish I could say this was an exaggeration. This has been the fate of revolving-door legislation in Texas. My old ... alma mater, the Texas Commission on Environmental Quality (TCEQ - pronounced like spitting) is among the worst offenders. The "good honest living" bit comes from a real quote from one of the latest legislative assassins of the public interest. A former Executive Director asked the "why would anyone take a job like this" question during a previous attempt to stanch the flow of corruption. And now we have FCC Commissioner Meredith Baker, who voted for the monopolistic merger of Comcast/NBC Universal and then slithered over to become a lobbyist for them.