The TP Solution

In the old days, our ancestors made do with their hands. Indeed, some of our contemporaries still do. But in these enlightened times, TP has become a necessity of life, a sine qua non of polite society, one of the things that people who hoard ... hoard. Yes, guns and ammo, bottled water, canned food, and TP. These are the hallmarks of civilization. Nay, the very building blocks.

It is not, therefore, surprising in these times of universal crisis, that we should turn to TP for a remedy. On the contrary, it is positively the rational thing to do. The solution, however, turns out to be a shade more complicated than one might imagine. If I may explain, there are two prominent applications for TP. The first is to wipe one's bum. The second, practiced predominantly by our youth, the young scalawags, is to spread it far, wide, intricately, and lovingly over the yard of another, usually a humorous opponent. This is known as "TP-ing." The first application is known as "wiping one's bum."

Now that this has been clarified, the role of TP in crisis management begins to come into focus: we require a melding of the two approaches. In short, what we are looking for is something completely full of shit, widely and deeply propagated. And in this we have not been disappointed.

What could possibly go wrong?