NIFPA

It's the Libbers that call it that, you know. Not normal females, whom I admire and respect. This is important to understand as we move forward on this vital, emergency legislation. Oh, God. Betty is taking the floor.

"We do have reproductive tracts," she snipes sarcastically. "It's just that you guys are too insensitive to use them! This is a viciously anti-female bill."

That I should ever live to hear such language on the mattress of the House! But I must rise to defend my bill without rising to that creature's gutter provocations.

"But the, uh, other way is unnatural," I reply. "as my ... esteemed colleague no doubt knows. It is counter to God's will and sucks at the foundations of our society. Far from being anti-female, as you would have it, the purpose of the Natural Insemination and Female Protection Act is to protect the fairer sex. From perversion. 'Female Protection' is even in the name. That's how you can tell. It's for your own good."

Betty appears to be choking on something. "So you want to enshrine traumatic insemination in law," she says, after apparently dislodging whatever it was from her sucking tube. "Do you know how much that stings? Not to mention shell damage and vulnerability to infection."

"Madam," I retort, drawing myself out to my full 4 millimeters (plus), "I resent your tone!" I am actually getting hot and considering a run at her abdomen, but think better of it. I'm not worried about House Security, but feel certain that the little vixen would punch my lights out.

"And how about this?" she continues. "The penalty for 'unnatural insemination' is to be 'Death by DDT.' Isn't that the stuff that nearly wiped us out about 50 years ago? I didn't think it even existed anymore."

"Since it is so lethal to our kind," I explain, "we thought it, uh, only prudent to manufacture and store it in large quantities."

"Figures," she sighs. "As a bed bug, how can you carry legislation like this?"

"Madame," I reply proudly, "it is my duty as a blood-sucking parasite!"