Similar Semi-Intelligent Species

Once upon a time, in a dimension not far away, there was a planet inhabited by four similar semi-intelligent species. These species were called the Sanes, the Evils, the Crazies, and the Stupids. While similar, each had its distinguishing characteristics and approach to life.

The Sanes were prone to say things like, "Let's work together for the good of all."

The Evils would say, "Give us everything you've got, and nobody gets hurt. Maybe."

The Crazies would say, "We will fly above the clouds on our magic dragons" and wear their underpants on their heads.

The Stupids would say, "Tell us what to do."

The Sanes and the Evils occupied no more than about 1% each of the semi-intelligent population of the planet, but leadership tended to fall to them, since the Crazies (33%) were too crazy, and the Stupids (65%) were too stupid. Sometimes the Sanes led, and sometimes the Evils led. In the early going, the Sanes had rather the advantage by virtue of not robbing, raping, pillaging, cheating, and slaughtering the other species. However, they had the disadvantages of being boring, wonky, and open-minded. Then the Evils found the magic wand of manipulation: lying.

"The Sanes don't want to let you wear your underpants on your heads," the Evils would tell the Crazies. "Or let you have magic dragons."

"Hands off our underpants!" howled the Crazies, and they became faithful Evil supporters for life.

"We have some proposals for making your lives better," the Sanes would say to the Stupids. "What do you think? We value your input."

"What?" replied the Stupids. "We don't understand."

"Give us everything you've got, and nobody gets hurt," said the Evils.

"That, we understand," said the Stupids.

"Oh, and bad people are trying to hurt you," added the Evils. "Bad people like the Sanes, for example. And we're the only ones who can protect you."

Then the Evils screwed the planet up so badly that even the Stupids and Crazies noticed.

"What have you done?" they cried.

"Oh, it wasn't us," said the Evils. "It was the Sanes."

"But weren't you in charge?" asked some of the Crazies.

"Look out!" cried the Evils. "The Sanes are after your underpants!"

"How could it have been the Sanes?" asked the least stupid of the Stupids.

"Bad people are coming to get you!" replied the Evils. "Only we can protect you!"

"Oh, right," said the Stupids. "Here, we have some more stuff to give you."

Now, it turned out that there was a gigantic bomb buried deep within the planet. The bomb had been planted by the Creator, who had a very ... unusual sense of humor. Over the centuries, this bomb had been processing ore to increase its explosive power and producing gold as a by-product. (Remember: unusual.) In spite of its divine origin and manufacturing capabilities, the bomb was really a very ordinary bomb, with a timer (albeit a big one) and the usual red and blue wires, which had to be cut in the correct sequence in order to disarm the bomb.

Sane scientists discovered the bomb and alerted all semi-intelligent species on the planet.

"If we don't disarm the bomb," said the Sane scientists, "the world will blow up, killing all of us. But the good news is that we can disarm the bomb."

"The Sanes are just making that up because they don't like us," responded the Evils. "They aren't like the rest of us. We're all Crazies and Stupids together, unlike them. There is no bomb. And even if there might be, there's no proof. We need to think about it for several more years. And even if there is, it's too expensive to do anything about it."

"Why would we make this up?" said the Sanes. "This isn't a matter of Sanes vs. Evils. It's a matter of survival for all species. Look, we have pictures of the bomb! We can show it to you."

"You're making it up," said the Crazies.

"No proof," said the Stupids.

So the Sanes went directly to the Evils.

"Look," said the Sanes. "You know there's a bomb."

"If you disarm that alleged bomb," said the Evils, "which does not exist, of course, it will stop producing gold."

"But it's the planet," replied the Sanes. "Don't you understand? The whole planet. All species, yours included. You will die, too."

"But it's gold," replied the Evils. "Don't you understand? Gold!"

And that's why I say "semi-intelligent."