Excised Passages from the Classics: Alice Meets the Mad Hatter

copyright © 2011 by Robert L. Blau

"Why, you're mad!" said Alice.

"Mad?" winked the Hatter, conspiratorially tapping his nose. "Mad like a ... hatter! All that talk about poisoning from the mercury salts is just a myth made up by people who don't like me.

"Anyway, I'm protected by the Invisible Hand of the Market. Don't worry, Toots! The Invisible Middle Finger is for you! Mad? Mad like a ... March Hare!

"Anyway, I will be rescued by the Great Top Hat, which will whisk me away to Cloud Cuckoo Land because I have put my life on Its Brim and recited the magic words! Mad? Mad like a ... loon!

"And even if I am dying of mercury poisoning, I make a buck a hat on these babies!

"Mad? Mad like a bedbug!"

And he winked again.