27 Damn Holidays  I know this guy who works for the state of Texas. Did you know those people get 27 damn holidays every year? While working people like you and me bust our butts 375 days a year! Frost's my hindside, let me tell you. And he has the brass to deny it!
At DPIT  "I don't mean to complain. It's just that I expected government work to be a bit more ... relaxed."
Carrying a Big Stick  It was Urk who first discovered the virtues of the Club. He found that people who used to ignore him when he didn't have the Club, paid much closer attention to his desires when he did have the Club. Especially after he had caved in a couple of skulls with it.
Cincinnatus  "The purpose of this meeting is to evaluate the candidates for Dictator of the Republic. I will be chairing this proceeding. For formality's sake, I am Punditus, but of course, you all know me, ha, ha."
Climate Change  Global climate change seems to be the topic of the day. With so much argument and so much rancor about it, a person doesn't know what to believe. Still, there seems to be pretty much of a consensus among the cognoscenti that this is really happening, and that it has the potential to wipe out much of the life on the planet. So it is worrisome when one's very own government insists on blowing the subject off as so much left-wing political propaganda. And that's why the President's recent statement to the nation was so encouraging ...
Compromise  Never have I seen the country so polarized. No one seems to appreciate the old and honorable art of compromise anymore. The nation is in desperate need of the steadying hand of moderates like me, but no one will listen. Just take my current argument with my friend Carl.
Crop Burning  Acirema was a prosperous country known for its splendid and towering mountain ranges, vast and luxuriant forests, plentiful and varied fauna, and abundant natural resources of all kinds. Most of all, Acirema was famous for its flourishing agriculture. It had no difficulty feeding its burgeoning population and was, in fact, a net exporter of foodstuffs of every imaginable type. Until ...
The Darkening  My favorite part of history is the broad-brush names historians give to great chunks of it. There are the Dark Ages, the Renaissance, the Enlightenment, the Age of Reason, the Gilded Age, the Progressive Era, and on and on. And never mind that more than one name may apply to the same period.
Drooling for Poultry  We had heard about the new den of foxes months before, but we couldn't make a move until we had a complaint. That came around dinner time one hot summer day in the form of an anguished telephone squawk. So, they were stealing chickens, eh?
Electing the Honey Thief  So, the bees elected a badger as Honey Thief, and the damn' thing kept coming back and trashing the hive, the way badgers do. But it hadn't quite finished its demolition, when it was time to elect a new Honey Thief. So, the bees saw an opportunity there.
Empire Fungi  "Sire, Sire! Our casualties are mounting!"
Enough Bullshit  "Moo, y'all", I said, joining the gang in the pasture for an afternoon chew-and-swallow. "Who do you like for Herd Leader?"
Experience  A bunch of us were chewin' the cud, down by the waterhole. Not all of us were ruminants, so that isn't strictly accurate. But for vegetarians, I think the figure of speech works better with "cud" than with "fat." "Suckin' down the H2O" is too literal. Anyway, we were talking about the up-coming election.
Going to the Candidates' Debate  Mod: Ladies and gentlemen, I will be your moderator tonight for the debate between the Presidential candidates for the Opposition Party. They are, as you well know, the Female and the Black Guy. As you also know, the other party has already settled on the War Hero as their candidate, and the fans - I mean, the voters - sure do love war, don't they?
Good Old Days  The guy was doing cartwheels in the mall. And singing. Not well. Something had to be done.
How the Buzzard Beat the Eagle  So, the Buzzard and the Eagle were flying against each other for the Avian Senate.
Immunity  Oddly enough, not every citizen of Possum's Backside was ecstatic when Black Bart was elected sheriff. Come to that, not every citizen believed that Black Bart was elected sheriff, but whom could they complain to? The sheriff?
Inside Eden  The thing is, the view is rather different, depending on whether you're on the outside looking in or the other way around. It's the Garden of Eden I'm talking about, and I can tell you, after a few years of trying to squeeze something organic out of rock and sand, it looked downright heavenly to me. So, imagine my relief and gratitude when Adam and Eve invited me in to take the vacant Gardener III position.
Job Discrimination  To cautiously go where others may, or may not, have gone before. Because how are you supposed to know, huh? To prudently pack at least two sets of clean underwear, a toothbrush, some cold-weather gear, and an umbrella, in case it rains. That's my credo. The guys who "boldly go" tend to disappear without a trace.
Law of the Jungle  There was a long-standing rule out in East Africa. It was about how many wildebeest you could eat in one season, and the crocodiles didn't like it. Every time the crown passed to a new king, the crocs complained, and every king turned them down. Then one reign, a more sympathetic king came to power ...
Lipstick on a Pig  Daisy was what you might call a typical pig. Except for one thing: she had a nasty disposition. And Farmer George didn't like that.
Man-Eating Dolphin  Not sure how I managed to fall off the boat. In retrospect, understanding that alone might help explain what followed. In any case, it was just as I came spluttering to the surface that this Dolphin approached, offering to guide me to land.
No Point  "The Chief of Police is a drug lord."
Not a Congressman  A chat with my loony liberal friend Rudy is always good for a laugh. He's a big fan of that runt Congressman. You know the one. Alway rushing off on quixotic quests for national office.
A Pearl of Great Price  It happened one day that a poor pearl diver happened upon a most unusual pearl. This pearl was not only enormous in size, but it had an almost unearthly luster and was simply exquisite in every way. The diver took the pearl home to his village, and the village immediately began to prosper.
Retirement  "How can you even talk about retirement, Herb? We have a mortgage, two car payments, two kids in college, car insurance, ..."
A Task from God  And the Lord spake unto George W. Bush, saying ...
Tearing Down the Levee  I am interviewing Mr. Herbert Braingristle, who is diligently working on tearing down a levee. Mr. Braingristle, what on earth are you doing?
Top Priority  The patient was gushing blood from multiple wounds when he was brought in. I ordered immediate transfusions. Wouldn't you know it? Nurse Know-it-all was on duty.
Rock Bottom  No job. No car. No money. No family. This must be what they call "rock bottom," I mused.
The Very Good Wizard and the Very Bad Wizard  Once upon a time, there lived two rival wizards. One was a Very Good Wizard, and one was a Very Bad Wizard. Each of them ruled a powerful kingdom. Not surprisingly, the kingdoms reflected the characters of their rulers. So, one was a Very Good Kingdom, and one was a Very Bad Kingdom.
WALES  I know this is hard to believe, but I was not always the prosperous and independent operator that you now see. I was poor and desperate, my job having been sent to Uzbekistan or Tajikistan or someplace. I had no health insurance, my unemployment benefits had run out, and I had applied for food stamps, but I couldn't even get those. Delay followed delay ... until I found out about WALES.
Wally  It was my fault, I suppose. I picked the thing up on Stereoptikon VI. Just scooped it into a contraband jelly jar and hid it in the left armpit of my spacesuit.
What's New?  "Fifty is the new thirty!" Hey, everyone knows that! The mathematical implications are still being worked out. Does this mean that 50 + 50 = 60? How about 50 + 30? Do the digits "30" still represent a valid number?
Why We Had to Drop the Big One  I suppose it's all the angst about nuclear proliferation. And I'm a government spokesperson, so I have to be polite. But really. Talk about old news and questions that have been answered and re-answered so many times that the question mark has worn off. But it's the media, and it is, as I said, my job ...
The Worm Ouroboros  The Pigmen wallowed out of the swamp and overwhelmed the City. They enslaved the people, robbed them blind, made them fight in the Pigmen's wars. The people did not know what to do ... until someone remembered the ancient City Guardian.