Empire Fungi

"Sire, Sire! Our casualties are mounting!"

"Now, just calm down there a minute, Bubba. Remember the Fungal Creed: 'Lots more where they came from.'"

"But they're using fungicides and mold remediation and ... and de-humidifiers!"

"Let me explain something to you, Bubba," said the Mold King mildly. "If you want to know anything about humans, look at their insurance companies. They don't insure against mold. The minute they stopped doing that, they told us that they were throwing in the ... fluffy thing you dry yourself with. Fighting us is too expensive for them, and what is too expensive for a human doesn't get done."

"But why do you let them go on, Sire?" asked Bubba.

"Oh, it's the allergy reports, Bubba. I follow them the way humans follow football. I love watching how we beat the crap out of those wimpy, seasonal tree pollens day after day. Hah! We go on all year! But still," mused the King, "I suppose you're right. Don't have to worry about frost anymore, now that they've heated the planet up for us. I'm tired of that 'Kingdom Fungi' nonsense. It's time for 'Empire Fungi.' RELEASE THE SPORES!"

"Um, we're already releasing spores," Bubba reminded him. "Pretty much all the time."

"Right. Then, RELEASE MORE SPORES!"

"Right you are, Sire! Shall we call this a 'surge?'"

"Nnnno-o-o, I don't think so," said the Mold King. "That term is a bit ... discredited. This is just a ... production increase. Ok, so how's it going with those humans that were worrying you a couple minutes ago?"

"On their knees and coughing up lungs, Sire!"

"Yuck. That's disgusting. You guys just mop up the stragglers, ok?"