Going to the Candidates' Debate

Mod: Ladies and gentlemen, I will be your moderator tonight for the debate between the Presidential candidates for the Opposition Party. They are, as you well know, the Female and the Black Guy. As you also know, the other party has already settled on the War Hero as their candidate, and the fans - I mean, the voters - sure do love war, don't they?

Black Guy: Opportune that you should mention that, because the voters most certainly do not love war. Every poll ...

Mod: Hey, did I ask you a question? I don't think I heard myself ask you a question. I'm the moderator around here, and I will not stand for either of you trying to sidetrack these proceedings into trivial and boring areas. Ok. First question. This one is for the Black Guy. You have a scary preacher who says our country has done bad things and God's going to punish us. What's that all about?

Black Guy: I've explained all this before. I have repudiated his opinions. Of course, our counry is guiltless and God loves us. About the war ...

Mod: I don't want to have to warn you again! We're discussing weighty matters here that inquiring voters want to know about. This one's for the Female.

Female: I wish you wouldn't call me "the Female."

Mod: Bitchy today, aren't we? Is it your time of month?

Female: Health insurance in this country is in a state of collapse. My plan ...

Mod: What? You, too? I'm the moderator here, and I intend to keep this debate on focus. Black Guy, what do you have against patriotism?

Black Guy: What? Nothing, of course. What are you talking about?

Mod: I'll ask the questions, thank you very much. I mean flag pins, that's what! Why don't you wear one?

Black Guy: I've said this before, too. An object on your shirt doesn't make you a patriot. No object on your shirt doesn't mean you're not a patriot. Too often, those symbols have been used by jingoes to intimidate others and question their patriotism.

Mod: Ah-HAH! Calling the voters jingoes! (Calling offstage) We'll run that as a page one gotcha first thing tomorrow!

Voice (from offstage): Sorry! No can do!

Mod: Whattaya mean, "no can do?"

Voice: None of our audience knows what a "jingo" is.

Mod: Oh, right. See if you can work "bitter" in. And "elitist," of course. You know, "uses big words like 'jingo.'"

Female: I have something to say about trade policy.

Mod: Oh, stuff a sock in it!

Black Guy: We haven't even touched on the economy yet, or how to help the poor and needy.

Female: Did I just see some blazing brimstone take out the building next door?

Mod: Don't try to change the subject! I've got a lot of questions about sex and religion and race and people you knew 30 years ago and your devotion to tawdry political symbols! And you'd better have some pretty good answers, if you ever expect to be President of the Sodom & Gomorrah Federation!