Crop Burning

Acirema was a prosperous country known for its splendid and towering mountain ranges, vast and luxuriant forests, plentiful and varied fauna, and abundant natural resources of all kinds. Most of all, Acirema was famous for its flourishing agriculture. It had no difficulty feeding its burgeoning population and was, in fact, a net exporter of foodstuffs of every imaginable type. Until ...

They came just before the harvest, burned the crops to the ground, and salted the earth. Then they left. Then they returned with earth movers and ravaged whatever was left. The people were in shock, but at last, they sent a delegation to seek help at the court of King George.

"O, King!" cried the head of the delegation when they had been admitted to the royal presence. "We urgently beseech your help to rescue our lands from marauders!"

"Marauders!" snapped the king. "What marauders? Why doesn't anyone ever tell me anything?"

"They attacked just as we were preparing for harvest," continued the delegation head.

"Terrible, terrible!" commiserated the king.

"They burned all our crops," sobbed the head. "We are facing starvation!"

"They did what?" roared the king in outrage. "Burned ... Oh, wait a minute. Those were our guys. It's ok."

"Ok?" screeched the head. "Ok? How can that be ok? I mean ... why?"

"Oh, they had to do it, didn't they?" said the king calmly. "To protect you."

"Protect us?" babbled the delegation head. "From what?"

"Oh, from the terrible, dangerous things in the ground."

"Dangerous things? In the ground?" the head was feeling light-headed. "The only thing I've ever seen come out of the ground is ... food. Say, you wouldn't be taking the old legend about the earth hiding great wealth literally, would you?"

"Who? Me?" whistled King George innocently. He seemed to be looking at something about a foot over the head's left shoulder.

"That would explain all the earth movers," said the head suspiciously. "It's a metaphor, you mor ... I mean, your majesty! About the abundance of the soil, about its unsurpassed fertility. Until you salted it and dug it up and dumped it gods know where!"

"Well, maybe there isn't anything dangerous in the soil," admitted the king. "But we had to do it to ... keep the crops from overrunning the country. Yeah, that's it."

"The crops can't overrun the country!" cried the head in exasperation. "They grow. We cut them down. We eat them or sell them. People have been doing it for centuries. There's no 'overrunning.'"

"Ok, maybe not," said the king. "But we had to do it to prevent the exhaustion of the soil."

"We know all about crop rotation and soil conservation," objected the delegation head. "We've been doing it for decades, at least, and without any help from ... people like that."

"Hey!" growled the king menacingly. "Don't you support our crop burners? Only traitors don't support our crop burners!"

"I, uh, well, of course I support our ... whatever," stammered the head, as the entire delegation backed away.

Fast forward five years. Acirema is facing yet another severe famine. The soil has been devastated. Food must be brought in from abroad. None of King George's reasoning has stood the least scrutiny. He stands before his people to share the successes and failures of his reign.

"My fellow Aciremans!" declaims the king. "The crop burnings have been difficult, but they were necessary. We had to burn all the food to feed the people. Don't bother to thank me. Your prosperity is my thanks."

Our King George says the Iraq war is necessary for peace.