How the Buzzard Beat the Eagle

So, the Buzzard and the Eagle were flying against each other for the Avian Senate.

"I support our Hunting Birds," declaimed the Buzzard. "No one supports our Hunters more than I. You can even check my official web site. It says so right there."

"I'm a Hunter myself," said the Eagle.

"Indeed, you are supposed to be," replied the Buzzard, "and I honor you for that. In fact, no one supports our Hunters more than I do. Did I mention that? So I would be awfully pleased if you would just release your hunting record to the public. I bet everyone would enjoy that."

The Eagle, seeing no harm in that, and being very proud of his hunting record, did as the Buzzard asked. The next day, a previously unknown group, calling itself "Hawks for Truth," issued a statement.

"We Hawks are Hunters of the first order," read the statement, "and we and the Eagle go way back. We have pecked his hunting record over from top to bottom, from stem to stern, and from fish to rodents. And we would just like to set the record straight on a couple of points.

"The first regards the Eagle's alleged capture of a rabbit on June 17, 2003, near the intersection of Rural Route 231 and County Road 172. As it happens, we, the Hawks for Truth were present at that very time and in that very location. We remember the details because we were all munching away at a particularly bounteous bit of road kill, a full-grown deer, to be exact. Well, there we were in a perfect circle around the deceased deer, and where was the Eagle? Why, nowhere to be seen, that's where. Now, we can't say for a certainty that the Eagle did not nab the alleged rabbit, nor do we mean to imply that he did not. We merely wish to invite you to jump to that conclusion on your own.

"The second subject we wish to broach is the Eagle's alleged seizure of a 10-pound trout from Logan Lake on April 12, 2005. Our Horace, here, witnessed that capture, and he can tell you, that trout was nowhere near 10 pounds. Maybe 5 or 6, tops. Horace remembers the incident because he was had just zeroed in on a dead skunk, not a hundred yards from the lake, when the Eagle swooped by, distracting him. Such dishonesty on the part of a candidate for the Avian Senate ought to give all us Hawks pause. We have never encountered anything of the sort from the Buzzard, who is a steadfast supporter of our Hunters."

The avian press immediately asked the candidates to comment on the statement by Hawks for Truth.

"Gosh, I don't know anything about it," said the Buzzard innocently. "I'm a staunch supporter of our Hunting Birds."

"Well, it seems awfully suspicious to me," said the Eagle, "coming so soon after the Buzzard asked me to release my records. These so-called Hawks don't sound like real Hawks to me. What was all that talk about eating road kill?"

"Tsk, tsk, tsk," said the Buzzard reproachfully. "That sounds like a slander on our Hunters. Not something I would ever do, of course."

"Has anyone noticed," asked the Eagle, "that, for all his talk about 'supporting the Hunters,' the Buzzard is not and never has been a Hunter himself? I, on the other hand, have a long and honorable history as a Hunter, which he underwingedly attacks by proxy with lies and innuendo. What's that about?"

"I am shocked" cried the Buzzard, "that my opponent would descend to vicious personal attacks, when I have waged a campaign of issues and support for our Hunters!"

And so, the Buzzard was duly elected to the Avian Senate, because the term "bird-brain" was not coined without cause. Human beings, of course, would never fall for such gross and bare-faced deception.