Enough Bullshit

"Moo, y'all", I said, joining the gang in the pasture for an afternoon chew-and-swallow. "Who do you like for Herd Leader?"

"Ooo, I'm voting for Sarah!" crooned Bessie. "She's the neatest!"

"Um, Sarah?" I lowed uncertainly.

"No! Sarah!" Bessie corrected me.

"Isn't she Ol' Crumplehorn's running mate for Assistant Leader?" I asked. "So, you're voting for Crumplehorn? I thought you didn't like him."

"I don't, silly," Bessie chided me. "I like Sarah. Ol' Crumplehorn's an old poop. He'll die in a couple of months, and then Sarah will be Herd Leader!"

"Did you know that this Sarah cow is just like Ol' Crumplehorn?" I probed gently. "And maybe worse," I added sotto voce.

"Sarah is one of us," said Bessie, a bit haughtily, I thought.

"You mean ... a cow?" I ventured.

"DUH!" snapped Bessie. "Of course, a cow! Udder Unity!"

"Udder Unity," echoed a surprisingly large number of bovine voices.

"Enough bullshit!" cried Bessie.

"Enough bullshit," echoed the others.

"But don't you know what she wants to do?" I proceeded gingerly. "Even though she's a cow, she isn't actually good for cows. She proposes to keep on sending you to the butchers, whereas Ol' Brahma wants to convert to dairy only."

"Ah, ha!" chortled Bessie. "Now it comes out! You support Ol' Brahma!"

"Yes," I admitted. "Of course, I support Ol' Brahma. He's everything Ol' Crumplehorn is not."

"He's inexperienced," said Bessie.

"He's not experienced in selling us to meat processors, if that's what you mean by 'experience.'"

"He's too young," she said.

"Not that young," I countered. "Anyway, Crumplehorn's age is a weakness. You said so yourself."

"Ol' Brahma is all talk," said Bessie. "All ... charisma. Like that German human guy."

"You would penalize him for being articulate?" I was a bit flummoxed.

"He's a bull," said Bessie. "A foreign-sounding Brahma bull."

"O-o-oh," I mumbled.

"Don't take that tone with me!" snapped Bessie. "I'm not prejudiced! I just don't like him because he's young, inexperienced, and charismatic. And ... presumptuous!"

"Presumptuous?" I didn't follow.

"He presumes to lead Holsteins," spat Bessie, "when he ... he isn't one of us. Not like Sarah."

"And ... exactly what is it you like about this Sarah?" I asked.

"Well, ... her youth, for one thing," replied Bessie.

"But I thought you didn't like Ol' Brahma because of his youth?" I protested querulously. "What's the difference?"

"Oh, and her charisma!" gushed Bessie. "Sarah has such magnetic presence!"

"What happened to the German human guy?" I asked. "When, you know, we were talking about Ol' Brahma?"

"How dare you!" she snarled. Cows aren't supposed to be able to snarl. "How dare you compare Sarah to that awful human creature!"

"What about experience?" I ventured. "You say Ol' Brahma is inexperienced, but your Sarah is even less experienced. Why it bad for him, but fine for her?"

"Just like a bull," she sneered. "We've had enough of your bullshit!"

"Enough bullshit," intoned the other cows.

"I think you're missing the essential point here," I tried again. "Ol' Brahma is better for cows than your Sarah. He won't send you off to get your brains bashed in. You know, I know a lot of cows who are going to vote for Ol' Brahma."

"Hunh, them!" scoffed Bessie.

"Uh, what do you mean ... them?" I asked, horribly afraid of the answer.

"You know," she said. "Them. The unholstein cows. Now, don't take that visual tone with me! You're the prejudiced one! You just can't stand the idea of a female Herd Leader."

"Assistant Herd Leader," I whispered.

"And I like Sarah because she's the better candidate!"

"She has every characteristic that you say you don't like in Ol' Brahma," I reminded her. "Plus, she'd sell you to a slaughterhouse without batting an eye."

"Maybe," Bessie retorted. "But in a good way!"