Lipstick on a Pig

copyright © 2008 by Robert L. Blau

Daisy was what you might call a typical pig. Except for one thing: she had a nasty disposition. And Farmer George didn't like that.

Well, now. When Farmer George didn't like something, he didn't just sit around and do nothing. He sat around and waited for an excuse to do something about it, and something idiotic was favorite. And it came to pass that a swarm of locusts dropped in for a visit and leveled his corn crop.

"Ah, ha!" cried Farmer George. "This is that Daisy's doin'! I knew she was gonna get into the corn!"

"Locusts, actually," said the other farmers. "No pig activity whatsoever."

"Ah, ha!" cried Farmer George. "That's one dangerous pig, is that Daisy! Time we did something about her! Nobody's corn is safe!"

"No, locusts, really," said the other farmers.

"I'm gonna teach that pig to sing!" vowed Farmer George. "That'll bring 'er into line!"

"Ahem, actually," said Farmer Bob*, "what we've discovered in these parts is that trying to teach a pig to sing is not a, um, productive use of time. Plus, it annoys the pig."

"Don't spout cliches at me!" bawled Farmer George. "That pig is learnin' to sing!"

"It's not just the one pig, either," said Farmer Bob in his most diplomatic tone. "You've got to think of the other pigs, as well. When they see you trying to force vocal lessons on Daisy, they're gonna wonder when it's gonna be their turn. Then, you'll have a whole sty load of sullen pigs."

"I am thinkin' of the other pigs, dummy!" replied Farmer George. "Daisy's bad attitude is bound to rub off on 'em, unless I take decisive action, like makin' her sing. And there's that big, wild boar that roams around, just across the property line. I don't want my pigs gettin' mixed up with that rogue hog."

"If you don't mind my sayin' so," said Farmer Bob, "rilin' up your swine is more likely to make 'em turn to that ol' boar than not. I haven't noticed them exactly buddyin' up to it. More like, they seem scared of it."

"Well, I do mind yer sayin' it, so shut up!" snapped Farmer George. "I've got singin' lessons to do."

"Might help if you could sing," offered Farmer Bob, but Farmer George was already striding off, screeching a lively little ditty.

 

You may be surprised to hear that the singing lessons did not go well. Daisy couldn't learn, Farmer George couldn't teach, and no one in the county was deaf enough not to hear the results. The other pigs were getting very nervous. Not only were they afraid that Farmer George was going to recruit them into his choir, but they wondered, if it was singing today, could dancing be far behind?

And the wild boar started hanging around.

"Hi," said the boar. "My name's Mahmoud."

"I never liked you," replied Daisy.

"The feeling's mutual, I assure you," said Mahmoud, "but that farmer guy is a pain in both our bristles. I'm putting my swine on high alert for bad music. If you guys need a hand, give an oink. We're all in this together."

So wild pigs started showing up all over the farm.

"What did I tell you?" howled Farmer George. "That Daisy is a bad influence. Good thing I'm teaching her to sing!"

But the other farmers were getting tired of Farmer George's act.

"Look," said Farmer Bob, speaking for the other farmers. "You have got to stop the music lessons. It's futile, counter-productive, embarrassing, and hard on the ears."

"No way!" screamed Farmer George. "I admit there have been ... very minor problems with the singin' lessons, but I have a great new strategy."

"Oh, no," groaned Farmer Bob.

"I will put lipstick on the pig!" declaimed Farmer George, with a flourish. "That will do the trick!"

"Oh, no," groaned Farmer Bob. "Y'see, what we've learned over the years is that, even if you put lipstick on a pig, it turns out that the pig is still ... y'know, a pig."

"Well, I think putting lipstick on the pig is a great idea," said Farmer John, leaping to Farmer George's defense. "I must admit that he totally fucked up the singin' lessons, but this lipstick thing is fantastic!"

Farmer Bob shook his head. "It's time to give it up," he said.

"No no no no no!" objected Farmer John. "We can't stop now! If we stop now, it will look like the whole teaching-a-pig-to-sing thing was an idiotic, hare-brained fiasco!"

"But it is an idiotic, hare-brained fiasco," said Farmer Bob.

"You want to empower our enemies!" snarled Farmer John.

"Who?" asked Farmer Bob. "You mean the pigs?"

"Of course, the pigs!" screamed Farmer John. "Especially, the rogue pigs. They'll do all the things they've been doing ... since the singing lessons began! Only worse."

 

So Farmer George and Farmer John rassled poor Daisy to the ground at her next singing lesson and slathered on the lipstick.

"Hurrah!" they cheered. "Success! We have put lipstick on the pig!"

And no snide remarks, y'hear?

* The quote "Never try to teach a pig to sing. It's a waste of time, and it annoys the pig" is sometimes attributed to Robert Heinlein.