27 Damn Holidays

I know this guy who works for the state of Texas. Did you know those people get 27 damn holidays every year? While working people like you and me bust our butts 375 days a year! Frost's my hindside, let me tell you. And he has the brass to deny it!

I was talking to him the other day. "So, you enjoying your 27 damn holidays a year?" I asked him.

"We don't get 27 holidays a year," he lied. "I've explained this before, but I'll try again. Texas has three kinds of holidays for state employees: full holidays, skeleton crew days, and optional holidays."

"Nobody else gets but one kind of holiday," I pointed out. "You got three kinds. 27 damn holidays."

"I admit that it sounds a bit complicated," he said, "but let me continue. The full holidays are usually national holidays, like Christmas, Thanksgiving, and the Fourth of July. I only say 'usually' because we get the day before Christmas and the day after Christmas, which are not national holidays. On full holidays, the agencies are closed, except for essential services. There are 12 of these holidays. State holidays are also called 'skeleton crew' days because the agencies do not close, and enough employees have to work to keep them going. However, if an employee works on a skeleton crew day, he or she gets to take some other day off in trade. These are holidays like Texas Independence Day and Emancipation Day. There are 5 of these holidays."

"Like I said," I said, "27 damn holidays."

"Actually," he continued, "that's a maximum of 17. But here's the part no one ever wants to get: We never get 17 holidays in any year. Here's why: We do not get a substitute day for any holiday that falls on a weekend. Not for Christmas, not for New Year's, not for the Fourth of July. Not for any of them."

"Of course you do!" I corrected him.

"Of course we don't," he lied again. "We get 15 of the 17 this year. It always works out to 14 or 15, which is the real number of holidays that Texas state employees get each year. That's very good, but nowhere near 27."

"Hah!" I remind him. "What about them optional holidays?"

"An 'optional holiday' is a day that we may take off instead of another holiday," he said. "They are days that have religious or cultural significance to some group of people, like Good Friday or Cesar Chavez Day. If we want to take any of those days off, we may, but we must work a skeleton crew day instead. And I said 'work.' We can't trade for a holiday that falls on a weekend. There are 5 optional holidays. It isn't meaningful to add these to the other holidays because they are not additional holidays. They can only be traded for other holidays. This is another bit that no one wants to understand. However, even if we did add the optionals to the actual holidays, that still only adds up to 22, not your 27. Is that clear?"

"Like crystal," I replied. "You get 27 damn holidays!"