A Task from God

And the Lord spake unto George W. Bush, saying ...

"Go forth, George! Go forth and invade Iraq!"

"Invade Iraq?" quavered George. "Why? They haven't done anything to us."

"Dost presume to argue with thy Lord, George?" The Holy Countenance darkened.

"Oh, no no no! Not me!"

"Aw, what the heck!" The Countenance lightened. "Thou hast been my faithful servant, George, so I will cut thee a break and explain. Not done anything, you say? What about 9/11?"

"Oh, my!" George exclaimed. "Right you are, Lord! I'm off!"

So George sallied forth to invade Iraq, but he returned a short time later. And Iraq remained uninvaded.

"What's the trouble?" asked God.

"Well, Lord, remember how you said Iraq was responsible for 9/11?"

"Of course," boomed the Lord.

"All of my intelligence services say that Iraq had nothing to do with it," said George. "Not only that, but even the most cursory reading of the reports bears that out."

"9/11?" asked the Deity. "Did I say 9/11? Oh, ho, ho, ho! My bad. I mean, my good, just not as good as usual. What I meant was, they have weapons of mass destruction and are a direct threat to the United States."

"Oh, dear!" gasped George. "That is serious!"

"Go get 'em, son," said God encouragingly.

But George was back again shortly, and Iraq was still standing.

"What now?" queried the Lord.

"We-e-ell," stammered George apologetically, "it's my intelligence services again. They claim that Iraq does not have any WMD."

"Hey, who's the God around here, huh?" snapped God. "If I say there are WMD, there are WMD!"

"Off I go, then," said George.

This time, the bombs did indeed fall, and troops did indeed invade. So it was quite a while before George called on the Lord again.

"Yes, my son?" said God, not unkindly.

"Um, just one thing, Lord." George hesitated. "Um, we can't find any WMDs. Um, I'm sure it must be our fault. But, uh, not us, not the UN inspectors, not anyone can find them."

"WMDs?" The Lord's Voice clanged with surprise. "Did I say WMDs? What I meant to say was, you had to invade to overthrow Saddam and bring democracy to the down-trodden Iraqis."

"Oh, I see," cried George in relief. "Well, then, we'll just get on with that!"

"And don't forget to give some lucrative no-bid contracts to Halliburton, Bechtel, and some other of my favorite corporations. I'll give you a list," called God to George's back. "Oh, and Blackwater is a must!"

"Yes, Lord," promised George.

George didn't request another audience with God for a few years.

"You seem troubled, my son," said God. "Tell your Lord what's on your mind."

The words gushed forth. "It's just that the democracy doesn't seem to be working out so well, Lord. The country is torn by parochial factions, religious, ethnic, and regional. Hundreds of young Americans are dying. Thousands more are being gravely injured. We're piss- ... er, throwing away billions of dollars for no apparent return. And, er, nobody seems to like us very much."

"Since when did being liked come before service to God and Country?" said the Lord in His most Fatherly tones. "You are doing holy work. You have to fight the terrorists in Iraq so that you don't have to fight them in America."

""Oh, are we back to terrorists?" asked George plaintively. "No criticism intended, I just want to know what today's story is."

Sarah Palin says that the Iraq War is a task from God. If so, it must have happened something like this.