The Adaptive Immunity Issue  The Body is on tenterhooks as it awaits the SCOTIS decision on the controversial issue of adaptive immunity. Adaptive Immunity, originally developed to combat specific pathogens, has been around since the invention of the jaw, but a growing body of opinion views it as out-dated and discriminatory. But now Chief Justice Ebola is about to reveal the decision, as the news media swarm ...
Air Conditioning for the Damned  Dear Senator Satan,
The Ant-Gorg  Long ruled the Gorg. Yea, for eight years even ruled it, and many were its transgressions and cruelties. And throughout its long and evil reign did peaches remain banned from the table. But it came to pass that the evil reign did end, for the Anti-Gorg descended upon the kingdom and drove the Gorg thence. And all the people did rejoice.
Blaming the Tools  "You're blaming a tool," I tell him for the bezillionth time. "That's absurd. It's bad people you have to worry about."
Bomb Squad  Turns out, the bomb squad isn't the glamorous chick magnet you think. So, this one appears to be a nuclear "device" with an iconic digital count-down display (in red, no less) and a pronounced tick for dramatic effect.
The Boogle Saga  Boogles were creatures of mud. They lived in it, wallowed in it, defecated indiscriminately in it, had sex in it, and ate in it. And about that ...
The Boy Who Cried Wolf   There was once a prosperous village whose economy depended on sheep. In that village, shepherding was a good job for a young lad, and the Sheep Herders Association was a powerful institution. It is no surprise, therefore, that many an eager boy signed on with the SHA and took his solemn oath to protect and defend the village sheep.
The Cafeteria Guard  The Bullies guarded the Cafeteria door, extorting lunch money as a condition for entry. It was traditional. It was so traditional that everyone accepted it as the Natural Order. The Principal lauded the Bullies as the Guardians of the Culinary System, and the Bullies often bragged that they were too big to expel. The Kids grumbled ... not within the Bullies' hearing, of course ... but most of them paid up and lived with the status quo.
A Climate of Intimidation  "How, sir, do you explain your actions and the actions of your party?"
Crossing the Line  Johnny and Billy had been flailing away at each other on the playground for a good ten minutes. Noses were bloodied. Eyes were blackened. Then Billy spit on Johnny. And a tall man strode in between them and started laying about with a paddle.
David and Go Lawyer Up  "You're not exactly the hideous nightmare of gigantism and ferocity I've been envisioning," said David, hefting a rock in his trusty sling.
Guns Are People, Too  A gun is a person, and bullets are its speech. Excuse me. Bullets are his/her speech. The Constitution of the United States of America protects the unfettered and indiscriminate discharge of free speech.
Hearsay  My fellow citizens, as your elected representative, I have called this meeting to put your minds at rest about all that malicious gossip you've been hearing. I am speaking, of course, of the irresponsible rumors of impending doom. It's nothing but hearsay. Hearsay, I say! I'm here to answer any questions you have. And I hope y'all have chained up your dogs, so they don't go pooping on your neighbors' lawns, ok?
High-Stakes Testing My father lived and died in the service. My mother lived and died in the service. My grandparents. All of them. All of my ancestors, as far up the tree as you care to flutter, were in the service. All I ever wanted was to follow them down that shaft. And now this.
In Name Only  There's a lot to like about a rhinoceros. The thick skin, the sharp horn, the nasty temper. The sheer power and single-minded brutality of the charge. The near-blindness and thick-skulled stupidity. That's why I decided to become one.
The Legislative Session "I hate to ask, but it's been four years since my last transfusion. And I'm getting, you know, ... anemic."
Magic Hate Ball  Have I got a new toy for you! It works ... similarly to the well-known Magic Eight Ball. Slightly. And it looks kind of like the Magic Eight Ball. A little. But it's not the Magic Eight Ball. Even if you think it looks and works exactly like the Magic Eight Ball. It's not. This is very important for you to understand. For many reasons, mostly artistic, but also a little legal.
A Matter of Pride  "Look, I'm the injured party here. And don't think I don't know about the snipers on the roofs." Those SWAT guys. Seriously. They must think people are idiots.
Minding the Chickens  Tweedledem and Tweedleree were hired to manage the chicken yard. And the first thing that happened was the pigs. They were just moaning and bellyaching about how expensive the chickens were.
A Monster Scandal  It was Igor who spilled the beans. "Mahthta made a monthta," he lithped, "and it'th going around killing people."
The Nightingale and the Jackass  The nightingale, well-known comforter of emperors and clowns, embarked on a panoply of song. All of the creatures were rapt. High she sang, and low. East she sang, and west. Far she sang, and near. She sang the heights and depths of love, the breadth and width of experience, the infinite texture and nuance of life. Long, she sang. Song after song, she sang. And when she was done ...
Not Guilty  Can't for the life of me figure out how I got finagled into serving on that jury. There I was, minding my own business. Hunting, I was. Which is what you do to keep the pride up. And bang! I got the summons.
The NTA Speaks  Greetings, my fellow Americans. This is Hale Stone, President of the National Tobacco Association. We at the NTA are distressed at all the recent negativity directed at tobacco, and believe that it is time to set the record straight. Tobacco does not cause cancer. People cause cancer.
Occam's Chainsaw  Wilbur was just choppin' away at that tree when the guys showed up. For a while they just watched, but then Little Jake just had to butt in, like always.
Rescue Cat Maurice is our rescue cat. We pulled him out of a sealed ziploc in a dumpster. Poor little fellow was barely alive. But he sure revived nicely.
The Right Way  My friend seems to be a little upset about his death sentence. I have come to offer comfort and explain that he isn't getting anything he didn't ask for.
Sequestration  "Are you the ... leader?" Visions of probes danced through my head and other parts of my anatomy.
Shutdown  "Mom always liked you best," panted my brother Poo, as he tackled me.
Silent Scream  She swept in with a sort of truculent grace, balled fists figuratively on hips and jaw metaphorically out-thrust. "I'm doing this thing," she said. "Don't even think of trying to talk me out of it!"
Sour Grapes After a final futile swipe at the grapes, the fox gave up in disgust and turned to look for greener pastures and more accessible fruit. At just that moment, a squirrel scampered up and gave the grapes a speculative once-over. 
A Tale of Two Geese  Once upon a time, in a universe not so far away, there was a villageful of people who depended entirely on bird eggs as their source of protein. And goose eggs were the best bird eggs there were, but they were very expensive. So most of the villagers had to scrabble for pigeon eggs or just go without. Finally, someone had the bright idea that everyone -- or almost everyone -- ought to be able to eat goose eggs ...

Tortoise Rips Hare In the keenly anticipated Race of the Century, the underdog (or underchelonian) tortoise has crossed the finish line before the favored hare could get to the starting blocks.
Under the Bus  As I approached the bus stop, I noticed that the drivers were dividing passengers into two lines.  One of the lines led predictably to the front door of the bus.  The other was sort of … in front of the bus.
The Value of an MBA  I am a loyal subject of the Emperor, may he live 10,000 years, and a patriotic citizen of the Empire, may it flourish forever! Only, once in a while, I wonder how the old United States of America got annexed by the Japanese Empire without a single shot being fired ...
When Garden Tools Go Bad  The shovel wouldn't shovel. The hoe wouldn't hoe. The shears wouldn't shear. The rake wouldn't rake. It was the first time I had ever encountered rebellious tools.
Why Zombies Are Welcome in Texas:  A Top Ten List  10. Ain't illegals. Mostly.
Yard Maintenance  Donnie's my yard maintenance guy. He trims trees and bushes, mows, waters, and fertilizes the lawn, does the pest control, and even feeds the dog. All that for just a hundred bucks a month. Of course, when I say he does those things, ...
The Zombie Project  So they're all over the place, as usual. Mysterious, unexplained beams from outer space, radiation from atomic explosions, subspace anomalies, quotidian quantum quirks, something in the water. Anything can ignite a zombie plague. Common as algae blooms. Well-known fact.