Guns Are People, Too

A gun is a person, and bullets are its speech. Excuse me. Bullets are his/her speech. The Constitution of the United States of America protects the unfettered and indiscriminate discharge of free speech.

So rules the Supreme Court of the United States in (of course) a 5-4 decision. Excerpts from the majority opinion of Chief Justice Force Hale follow.

"Guns are exactly like corporations. A corporation is a person. Therefore, a gun is a person.

"How are guns like corporations?

"Both were created by humans, but both have far transcended their creators.

"Both were created to perform specific functions. The corporation was created to make money, the gun to kill things. These functions, they perform to perfection; yet each, properly used, can admirably perform the function of the other.

"Guns and corporations are the twin pillars of civilization, next only to God and Country in holiness and liberty. Without them, indeed, there would be no civilization.

"Guns and corporations protect and enrich the People, who are those that are protected and enriched by guns and corporations.

"When the Founding Fathers when they promulgated the Constitution of the United States of America, they intended to include guns and corporations in the definition of people. Nowhere in that sacred document does it state that humans are the same thing as people. Only certain humans qualify as people. Most of them are merely resources; hence the term 'human resources.' It is the purpose of the august body for which I speak to tell you who does and does not make the cut. And believe me, it ain't you."