David and Go Lawyer Up

"You're not exactly the hideous nightmare of gigantism and ferocity I've been envisioning," said David, hefting a rock in his trusty sling.

The balding man advancing purposefully upon him, wearing suit, tie, and briefcase, was of below average height and above average pastiness.

"Your most hideous nightmare, nonetheless," snapped the suit. "I'm Mr. Goliath's lawyer."

"Um ... lawyer?" puzzled David. "I'm confused. I thought we were going to fight ... champion to champion, you know."

"Well, Mr. Goliath got tired of getting his ass kicked by shepherds with slings and blind old men with staffs and milkmaids with buckets," explained the lawyer. "So the Philistine legislature passed a law prohibiting opposing champions from bearing arms. So drop the rock and stow the sling. Your staff's got to go, too!"

"Oh, so straight hand-to-hand combat, is that it?" David surmised. "Seems like a bit of an advantage for an 8-foot-tall slab of meat, but ... ok. I'm ready."

"No, no, no!" the lawyer corrected him irritably. "Mr. Goliath is rich and powerful! He gets to use all the weapons he wants. His standard panoply is sword, pike, mace, and trebuchet. It's you that have to fight bare-handed."

"Now, that's hardly fair," objected David. "He comes in at three times my size with an arsenal, while I have the clothes on my back?"

"Of course not!" replied the lawyer. "You're going to have to get rid of the clothes, too. You could strangle a guy with your skivvies. If you want fair, buy your own legislature! This one's taken."

Inspired by such travesties as H.R. 3309, which stack the legal deck in favor of the rich and powerful.