A Matter of Pride

"Look, I'm the injured party here. And don't think I don't know about the snipers on the roofs." Those SWAT guys. Seriously. They must think people are idiots.

"I'm sure you are, sir," says Officer Whatsisname over the phone. "Why don't you tell me your side of the story?"

"You bet I will!" I inform that establishment cats paw. "I have always faithfully fulfilled the needs of that family. Always! Until those con artists wheedled their way in and scammed them into buying their expensive, defective white elephant!"

"Instead of your product, you mean?" prompts Officer Whosis.

"Indeed!" I reply. "I don't deal in snake oil! I told them not to buy it. I begged them not to buy it! But they went ahead and did it anyway!"

"Instead of one of yours, huh?" says the cop on the line.

"One of mine?! Hell, no! I don't sell no computers!" Some people just don't listen very well, you know? "They got a perfectly good typewriter I sold 'em 30-odd years ago! They don't want no computer!"

"I thought you said they did," says Officer Wossname.

"They don't!" I correct him. "Those evil scam artists just made 'em think they do! So I took it to court, and you know what? Judge said I couldn't stop 'em buying a computer if they wanted to. Damn activist judges!"

"Then what?" asks Officer Whatsisface.

"Well, I know they don't really want the damn computer," I reply, "so I ask them nicely to reconsider. But did they? No! And after the 400th time, they started getting snippy about it! So then the delivery date arrives, and I'm running out of time."

"And that's when you snatched the child," says Officer Thing.

"Well, ... yeah. What choice did I have? If they plug that thing in, I plug the kid, get it?" I'm serious. You can't let people walk all over you. "So you see that I'm the one who's been mistreated here."

"Give it up," says Officer Whoever-he-is. "All you've succeeded in doing is destroying your business, making a jackass out of yourself, and earning a long, long prison term. And that's if you don't hurt the child."

He doesn't know my customers. They're dumber 'n dirt, so the business will be fine. "Look, I'll consider making a deal," I tell him, "but I have to come out of this with something, and I don't know what that is, but it's a matter of pride."