The Value of an MBA

I am a loyal subject of the Emperor, may he live 10,000 years, and a patriotic citizen of the Empire, may it flourish forever! Only, once in a while, I wonder how the old United States of America got annexed by the Japanese Empire without a single shot being fired ...

The date was December 7, 1941.

"This is a day that will live in infamy!"

"Mr. President! Mr. President! A Japanese ... person to see you!"

"I'll bet there is! I'll bet there is!" fumed the President. "So the Japanese ambassador has come to explain this nefarious sneak attack, eh?"

"Um, no, sir," mumbled the aide. "Er, not as such."

"What? Not the ambassador? Do they dare to send some underling?"

"Um, not exactly, sir. It's a ... a corporate lawyer, sir," whined the aide miserably.

"Sonny Fujiwara, at your service!" The lawyer oiled in like a slug on slime, hand outstretched in shake mode.

"What is the meaning of this?" snapped President Roosevelt, ignoring the hand. "Never mind! Nothing you say will make any difference. I will have a declaration of war from Congress tomorrow!"

"Afraid not," said Sonny sympathetically. "Remember that last treaty you signed with us?"

"Treaties mean nothing now!" declaimed the President.

"Afraid they do," replied the lawyer. "I mean, not to contradict you or anything, but do you remember the Mandatory Binding Arbitration clause?"

"What Mandatory Binding Arbitration clause?"

"Oh, well, I can understand if you missed," sympathized the lawyer. "Busy man like you. And it being tucked away in sub sub paragraph 3562.32.2.1.1 in microscopic fine print and all. But y'all signed and ratified it, nonetheless. Here it is:

'The Parties to this treaty agree that all disputes of any nature between them shall be finally resolved through arbitration under the Japanese Imperial Rules of Arbitration by an arbitrator appointed by the Japanese Emperor or His representative.'

It's all there, black and white, legal and binding."

"What?" cried the President. "I can't even read that!"

"Yes, that is certainly the point," agreed the lawyer, "but it says that any disputes between Japan and the USA have to be settled by an arbitrator of our choosing. You signed away your right to wage war on us."

"Preposterous!" objected the President.

"Yes, it is, isn't it?" the lawyer agreed again. "Nevertheless, there it is. But you'll like it better in the end. It's cheaper, faster, and more efficient. And our hand-picked arbitrators are scrupulously unbiased. We promise."