The NTA Speaks

Greetings, my fellow Americans. This is Hale Stone, President of the National Tobacco Association. We at the NTA are distressed at all the recent negativity directed at tobacco, and believe that it is time to set the record straight. Tobacco does not cause cancer. People cause cancer.

"Ah," you may say. "People cause cancer by using tobacco!" That is just a theory, but assuming for a moment that it is not, there are still two critical points in tobacco's favor. First, even if tobacco were a carcinogen, using it is a Constitutionally-protected free choice. The Constitution was established to "secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity." Now, if sucking on a smoking weed isn't a Liberty, I don't know what is. But tobacco use is more than a Constitutional right. It is a God-given right that transcends any structure erected by Man.

On to the second point. If people didn't choose tobacco as their carcinogen, there is a myriad -- nay, a plethora! -- of other carcinogens from which to choose. Like all the crap that's pumped into the air and the water, and every bleedin' drug that's advertised on TV. So tobacco's all right, then.

Now, we aren't saying that we don't care about the million deaths a year worldwide from lung cancer. On the contrary, we are very sad! It just tobacco has nothing to do with it, and even if it does, that isn't our fault, and there's nothing we can do about it.

But we do have one suggestion. If tobacco really does cause all that cancer, and we're not saying it does, and even if it does, it's not our fault, ... Where was I? Oh, yes. If tobacco is the culprit, the only logical answer is ... more tobacco! Because there will always be bad people filling your lungs with their secondary smoke. So the only way to stop them is by fighting back with your own secondary smoke! And if tobacco is harmless, as we know it is, you will have a pleasurable new habit.

So remember: Whatever the question is, the answer is always "more tobacco!"