Air Conditioning for the Damned

Dear Senator Satan,

I am writing to encourage you to vote for Senate Bill 666, Air Conditioning for the Damned. This is a common-sense measure to aid an underprivileged class that has suffered disproportionately for too long. Millennia, in some cases. Ours is a caring nation that responds to the needs of the underprivileged and the oppressed. Already, we have made ample provision for the greedy, the lying, and the crooked. Is it not time for the damned to come forward, asking, "When is it our turn?"

Not only is this bill an instrument of mercy. It is also environmentally and fiscally sound. On the environmental side, it will moderate the high temperatures the planet has been experiencing of late, although there is no such thing as global warming, of course. Fiscally, the air conditioning will be provided by unregulated private corporations, so there will be no cost to the government.

Some of my skeptical friends have discouraged me from writing this letter. They say that there is less than a snowball's chance in hell that you will go for this. However, I feel that the devil is more likely to vote for air conditioning in hell than any Texas senator is for gun control.

Sincerely yours, etc., etc.