A Tale of Two Geese

Once upon a time, in a universe not so far away, there was a villageful of people who depended entirely on bird eggs as their source of protein. And goose eggs were the best bird eggs there were, but they were very expensive. So most of the villagers had to scrabble for pigeon eggs or just go without. Finally, someone had the bright idea that everyone -- or almost everyone -- ought to be able to eat goose eggs ...

At the time of our story, there were three geese in the village. The first goose laid golden eggs, the second laid regular eggs, and the third laid no eggs at all. Now, everyone knows that golden eggs are evil and out of the question, so all the villagers got together and killed the goose that laid golden eggs. That's why this is a tale of two geese, and not three.

Having consensused the golden-egg goose out of the picture, the debate over which goose should provide eggs for the village centered on the two extant geese. The villagers cogitated long and hard about which goose they wanted to provide their eggs. Then they discussed and argued and harangued about it. The debate was more heated and, well, longer than you might imagine. In the end, however, most of the villagers decided that, on the whole, they would prefer to get their eggs from a goose that actually laid some.

The barren goose was outraged.

"This will never work!" she honked. "It will be the ruination of our society and our culture and our values! It's the worst thing that's ever happened in the history of history! That other goose is a bad goose! She's trying to fool you! Her eggs are exactly like golden eggs, and we all know that golden eggs are evil! And they're too expensive! And they're a give-away to undeserving people! (Not you, of course.) Goose eggs from the Bad Goose will destroy the character we have built by scrounging for pigeon eggs and starving to death!"

Remarkably few people asked what the barren goose proposed instead. But a lot of them did think they would like to eat some goose eggs for a change.

At last, the day of the mighty goose egg distribution dawned ... and there weren't enough egg cartons for all the people who wanted eggs!

"What did I tell you?" howled the barren goose. "It doesn't work! There aren't enough egg cartons!"

And there were long lines of people, waiting for their eggs!

"Ah, ha!" crowed the barren goose. "This is exactly what I was talking about! Long lines! You can't fix that! You have to throw the whole thing away! Did I mention that there aren't enough cartons?"

And some of the eggs were cracked!

"Horrors of Hell!" honked the barren goose. "Is there no end to the suffering that this Bad Goose perpetrates upon the poor villagers? There is no way to fix this! It's an utter fiasco! We have to throw it out. Don't forget the long lines! Repairing trivial, transitory problems is just too hard! Stick with me, and you won't have all these horrible problems!"

"But will we have goose eggs?" asked a villager.

"Well, no," admitted the barren goose.

"But then, we'll go on starving," said the villager.

"Sure," said the barren goose. "But starvation is normal. Waiting and standing in line and worrying about cracked egg shells is unbearable."