Archives for 2006
The Axis of Pork   January 29, 2002 - At a press conference today, the Big Bad Wolf declared his intention to devour the Three Little Pigs. When asked why, Mr. Wolf replied, "It's because they're a clear and present danger to Fairyland, and not because I'm a ravening beast who craves pork."
Compensators  My own fault, I guess, but I blame Philpott, too. Philpott is my neighbor, and he's the one who flaunted that damn thing in front of my face.
Dragon by the Tail  Once upon a time, in a kingdom somewhere between here and there, there dwelt, as is so often the case in these tale thingies, a king and a dragon. Among many others, of course. But I digress. Already. Back to the king and dragon, then.
An Epidemic of Head Lice  Once upon a time, in the Kingdom of Doink, there was a severe outbreak of head lice. The King of Doink, who was an energetic man of action, decided to take aggressive measures to curb the epidemic. And bolster his sagging poll numbers. 
Grotesque What I can't understand is why they can't just catch the terrorist leader. Or assassinate him or something. What's so hard about that? His followers think he talks to God and God protects him. Camel wash! I think it's his fancy, rich relatives. He grew up rich and pampered. You knew that, didn't you? Well, I think they still look out for him.
Hot-Heads  They're at it again, the hot-heads. Fulminating in the press. Besieging embassies. Bombing churches. That sort of thing. It's the Pope, this time. Quoting some head of state from hundreds of years in the past. But they don't forget, the hot-heads. And they never forgive.
The Humane Treatment of Prisoners Act  Before the last Presidential election, in which Satan thumped the Sweet Potato, we did people-on-the-street interviews to assess the mood of the electorate. This year, as mid-term elections approach, we landed the singular plum of an interview with President Satan himself ...
Interview with the Justice  Special to the Daily Dishrag - The DD was on the scene as the newest Supreme Court justice emerged from his historic confirmation and obtained an interview unlike any granted to any other news medium ...
It's Not My Fault  Good evening, and welcome to another episode of 'It's Not My Fault,' the realistic reality show. Tonight's guest is Dr. Victor Frankenstein, scientist, writer, reanimation researcher, and creator of the famous Frankenstein Monster. Good evening, Dr. Frankenstein.
The Legend of the Bluebonnets (Revised)  Once upon a time in Texas, before the coming of the White Man, the Great Spirit caused a great drought to ravage the land. The members of the Cuddashuddawudda tribe were grievously affected, and they appealed to their shaman to find a solution.
The Missing Piece  From the Pentagon Inspector General's investigation of the Pentagon response on 9/11/2001 ...
Inspector General:  So, General, when did you notice that the item was missing?
Moving to the Center  In the end, the old lady hung it on me. Got off scot-free, historically speaking. But you should've been there at the beginning.
No Aid or Comfort  You think you know someone, and then ... bang! Something like this happens.
No Change of Course  "Mr. President! Mr. President! Considering the current state of affairs, are you considering any, uh, change of direction?"
Oatmeal  I've always been a proud oater. That's what we call ourselves here in Patria. Probably because 'patriot' would be redundant. But now I'm a pretty puzzled oater. And I'll tell you why.
Off the Table  Great leather wings had the Gorg. Great leather wings and a long, sticky, evil tongue. On its great leather wings did it rustle in and perch on the palace dome. On the palace dome it perched, with its long, sticky, evil tongue lolling about the windows and doors, flicking within, cracking walls. Like a gigantic anteater on a termite mound it sat, working away.
One Billy Goat Not So Gruff  It was one of those lovely, care-free spring days, and the little billy goat, after frolicking happily through the fields, had begun to frolic happily across a quaint little bridge with a really stunning scenic view. As the little billy goat paused to enjoy that stunning view, it was abruptly interrupted by a large, troll-shaped obstruction. Ah, yes. Care-free was the day, but not, unfortunately, troll-free.
The Prime Postulate  Glog's Gang and Glurg's Gang were fighting over a cave. It was a rather nice cave, it must be admitted: spacious, airy, and clean. It was, in fact, the sort of cave that belonged, by Divine Right, to the Good Guys.
Representative Democracy  "So, it looks like this guy is going to be a Supreme, huh?"