Moving to the Center

In the end, the old lady hung it on me. Got off scot-free, historically speaking. But you should've been there at the beginning.

She did it on purpose, believe me. And not only that. She bragged about it, even when the neighbors were screaming for her head. Did I say 'neighbors?' Heck, the whole city wanted her dead.

"I had to do it!" she claimed. "It was self-defense! Those people were planning to attack me with terrible weapons!"

Well, the police investigated, and the worst they could find in the rubble was a couple of butter knives. I have to agree that those make terrible weapons.

"They're in league with the city's crime boss!" she declaimed. "Every Chicagoan is at risk!"

That was also buncum, but did that faze her? No way.

"I am simply bringing the blessings of light and heat to the benighted citizens of Chicago!" she reclaimed. "And then, I'm going to enlighten Milwaukee!"

The neighbors were not amused. They were really burned. Um, so to speak. And they decided they weren't going to take it anymore. So, what do you think? Under the circumstances, they couldn't very well appear on her front lawn carrying torches.

They complained to the city council, but the city council did squat. It started with polite inquiries, which were ignored, and grew into large demonstrations with strongly worded placards, like "Douse the Fire Now!" and "O'Leary Must Go." These were also ignored. The city council thought old lady O'Leary walked on water. Or fire, perhaps.

So the people elected a new city council and waited confidently, and perhaps a bit smugly, for them to take action on the fire. Indeed, they had not long to wait, for the great fire was the council's first order of business. The council meeting was held in a field on the outskirts of the city, as there were no remaining unignited standing structures. The people gathered from far and near to witness the beginning of the end of the fire.

"Ok," began the Mayor, "what's it going to be? More logs or less?"

"Oh, we'll need a lot more logs to stabilize the fire," said the first council member.

"I don't agree with that," said the second. "I think we can maintain the fire with the same level of logs we're feeding it right now."

The people let out a collective gasp.

"Nonononono!" they screamed. "What are you guys talking about? The very first thing you need to do is stop feeding the fire! Then, you need to save as many people as possible. And dig trenches to keep it from spreading. And pour water on it. And ... "

"Pardon me," the Mayor cut in, "but we are soberly discussing the issue of the great fire, a subject upon which you are unfit to comment. You see, we have a mandate from the people."

"Yes, yes! But we are the people, and your mandate is to put the damn fire out!"

"Tut, tut!" tutted the Mayor. "You are not the people. You are just some people with a political agenda. We represent the Center."

"The ... the ... center?" blubbered the people. "Meaning what?"

"The status quo, of course," explained the Mayor. "Those who want to spread the fire too much are the Right. Although torching Milwaukee does have its attractions. The 'Fire Out Now' crowd is the Radical Left. The Center, by definition, splits the difference between the two most radical positions, whatever they may be. So, the difference between 'no fire' and 'universal conflagration' is a sensible, middle-of-the-road fire. The rightness of starting the fire is not at issue here. The fire is now a fact of life. Our task is to manage it efficiently."

Well, I figure that the same people who threw out the first bunch of bozos can throw out the second. But what do I know? I'm just a cow.

I didn't make up this idiotic definition of "the center." Here's an example from the Wayne Madsen Report, December 1 - 3, 2006: Speaker-designate Nancy Pelosi appointed Sylvestre Reyes as the next Chair of the House Permanent Select Committee on Intelligence. Rush Holt was deemed inappropriate because he supports peace. Reyes is considered a 'moderate' because he is "more attuned to the pro-defense and intelligence industry." In the "Personality Parade" of the Sunday, 12/10/2006 edition of Parade magazine, there is a bit describing Hillary Clinton, an Iraq War supporter and DLC legislator to her fingertips, as being in "the center." I don't think the voters could have spoken much more clearly on November 7. Is anyone listening up there?