The Humane Treatment of Prisoners Act

Before the last Presidential election, in which Satan thumped the Sweet Potato, we did people-on-the-street interviews to assess the mood of the electorate. This year, as mid-term elections approach, we landed the singular plum of an interview with President Satan himself ...

Mr. President, congratulations on your resounding victory over the Sweet Potato. Beat him like a drum, eh?

"Boiled him like a ... like a sweet potato! Hee, hee, hee."

Some observers have suggested that there were certain ... irregularities in the voting during that election. Would you care to comment on that?

"Certainly, I can comment on that. But first, I will need to ask you a few simple questions so that I can put you on my 'Needs Closer Scrutiny' list."

Um, yes, indeedy. How about those Yankees? You do follow sports, don't you? Ok, never mind. You have often been heard to remark, 'This job has taught me the true meaning of Hell!' What is your greatest frustration with the two-party system is?

"Why, the bleedin' opposition's unwillingness to compromise! Compromise is what made this country great, and I am nothing, if not a great compromiser. But those guys just won't give an inch!"

Can you give me an example, sir?

"Why, sure. I have lots. Let's just take the 'Salvation for All' bill."

And that's the one that read, "The President shall have the authority to damn all souls to burn in Hell for all eternity?"

"Yep, that's the one. But I was more than willing to compromise. I wanted to damn everyone to Hell. They didn't want to go to Hell. This was an obvious opportunity for compromise. I offered fifteen-minute breaks every 5 million years. Now, you can't get any fairer than that. But would they budge? No way! That's radical extremism for you."

But, uh, didn't that bill pass as written?

"Oh, yeah. My guys control the Congress, so I didn't really need the wimpy opposition's support."

Ah, your guys. That brings up a very interesting situation. There has been a bit of a palace revolution - er, White House revolution, I guess - in which members of your own party have bucked you on a bill. Would you care to comment on that?

"Yes, that would be the 'Humane Treatment of Prisoners Act.' The problem is that I can't seem to find enough demons to fill all the senate seats. But I'm working on it!"

Just what is the 'Humane Treatment of Prisoners Act' all about, Mr. President?

"It states, 'The President shall have the authority to torture anybody and everybody in any way he sees fit for as long as he likes.'"

And members of your own Hell Party balked at that?

"Some of them, yes. But this is a great example of how compromise works, because I have come to an agreement with the mavericks. Unlike those other guys, the Hell Party knows the value of compromise."

Well, this is breaking news, Mr. President. What was that compromise you reached?

"The 'Humane Treatment of Prisoners Act' now reads, 'The torture of prisoners is strictly forbidden.'"

Wow! That's quite a turn-around! I must say that it sounds as though your opponents rather carried the day.

"Wait a minute! I haven't finished! It goes, 'The torture of prisoners is strictly forbidden. The President and his designated minions shall have sole and complete discretion on deciding what constitutes torture.' That's very fair, I think."

Ah. Another victory for compromise. Thank you, Mr. President.

"My pleasure. And I'll be seeing you later!"