Oatmeal

I've always been a proud oater. That's what we call ourselves here in Patria. Probably because 'patriot' would be redundant. But now I'm a pretty puzzled oater. And I'll tell you why.

Oatmeal is the staple food, the commercial lynchpin, and the pride of Patria. It's what makes us go on both the micro and macro levels. Oatmeal is what made Patria the thriving, prosperous nation it is today. We produce oatmeal, we trade oatmeal, we export oatmeal, and (most of all) we eat oatmeal. We practically breathe oatmeal. It's almost our religion.

So it was no surprise when the King declared his intention to bring oatmeal to Qraq. If you haven't heard of Qraq, it's that smallish country where they recently discovered massive gold deposits. Apparently, they have never eaten oatmeal there, but our dear King resolved to rectify that situation, even if it meant shoving oatmeal up their rectums.

"I have offered to export oatmeal peacefully to Qraq," declared the King, "but their evil dictator has refused! Therefore, we have no choice but to carry it to them by force. It is only the evil dictator that we must use force on. The people of Qraq will welcome us and the ample blessings of oatmeal. And don't sweat the cost. There'll be plenty of gold to pay for the war."

Well, we proud oaters were thrilled, I can tell you. To be the bearers of oatmeal to an oppressed and undernourished people! We were over the moon. Or somewhere out in space, anyway.

I'm afraid Operation Abundant Oatmeal wasn't quite the oatwalk we had at first envisioned. Most of the people were starved for oatmeal and welcomed it with open mouths and outstretched tongues, of course. There was even an Historic Breakfast, where thousands of Qraqis braved threats of violence to partake of the oaten blessing. But there are always those few who ruin it for everyone else. They insisted on sticking to their old grains, and the war has stretched on for three years now.

While that is disheartening and worrisome, however, it is not what has us proud oaters so puzzled these days. The odd thing is that, shortly after the beginning of Operation Abundant Oatmeal, the King started restricting our access to oatmeal.

"We cannot be too vigilant," said the King. "We have learned that our enemies are plotting to poison the oatmeal supply. So you're just going to have to give up oatmeal for the duration of Operation Abundant Oatmeal."

That seemed reasonable. Sort of. Don't want to get poisoned, do we?

Then the King introduced the Oatmeal Rationing Plan. Under this plan, you have to apply to the King's designated representatives to be issued a ration of oatmeal. You have to pass a background check to make sure that you're worthy, and the price has gotten extremely high.

Some people grumbled. Not me, though! The King's men explained the situation very logically.

"We have to make sacrifices, if we're going to bring oatmeal to the benighted," they said. "That's why we have to ration. As for the background checks, we don't want oatmeal falling into the wrong hands, where it would be used for evil purposes. The background checks are only for the bad guys. If you haven't done anything wrong, you have nothing to worry about, right? If you complain, you must have something to hide, right?"

I'm a proud oater, all right. I'm just a little curious about why I have to give up my oatmeal so that some guy across the ocean can fight to the death to refuse his.