An Epidemic of Head Lice

Once upon a time, in the Kingdom of Doink, there was a severe outbreak of head lice. The King of Doink, who was an energetic man of action, decided to take aggressive measures to curb the epidemic. And bolster his sagging poll numbers.

With much fanfare, the king appeared before his assembled subjects to announce his plan of action. In his right hand, he held a large mallet, which he flourished dramatically from time to time.

"My dear subjects," said the king, "I stand before you today to reveal a bold and effective plan to rid us, once and for all, from the evil head lice. Today, I announce the War on Head Lice. Here's what we're going to do. I am sending the army into each and every home with mallets like this one ..." - Here, he flourished his mallet most impressively - "... to drub the little buggers to death. This will not be easy! This will not be a 'quick fix!' This will require sacrifice! But in the end, we shall prevail! We shall be free of the evil head lice!"

"Hooray! Hooray!" cheered the crowd.

But some of the crowd didn't cheer.

'"Excuse me," said one. "I don't see how you can kill all those lice with mallets. For one thing, how would you get them off people's heads?"

"Oh, no," replied the king. "You misunderstand. We intend to go after the little vermin where they live!"

"Um, that would be on people's heads," said the questioner.

"Exactly!" said the king. "Our brave soldiers will pummel everyone about the head and shoulders until none of the lice survive! Cool, huh?"

"But won't whacking people on the heads with mallets cause severe trauma to the heads?" piped a second subject. "You know, concussions and fractures and death and stuff?"

"What?" cried the king in indignation. "Don't you support our troops?"

"It isn't that," stammered the non-troop-supporter. "Of course, I support the troops. It's just that hammering people on the head to kill lice doesn't seem ... sane. There are already treatments that work. They're not flashy, but they kill the lice and don't hurt the person with the infestation."

"Quick fixes! If you don't support the War on Head Lice, the lice have already won," intoned the king.

"But you know," rejoined the first questioner, "serious head injuries are an obvious result of blunt trauma to the head. And that's not going to have any effect on the lice."

By then, however, the crowd had begun to encircle the questioners, muttering things like "louse-lover" and "unpatriotic." So criticism was quickly curtailed, and the War on Head Lice proceeded apace.

Five years later ...

"Dufo, Chief of Royal Intelligence to see you, Your Highness."

"Ah, yes! By all means, send him in!" said the king expansively. "You're doing a heckuva job, Dufo!"

"Thank you, Your Majesty," said Dufo humbly.

"So, how goes the War on Head Lice?" asked the king.

"I have to tell you, Your Majesty, that the people are saying that 'Royal Intelligence' is an oxymoron," said Dufo.

"Never mind that," said the king. "I don't know what that means, anyway. The war, the war."

"Uh, yes, Your Majesty. Confirmed louse deaths: 800 billion. Confirmed Doinkie deaths: 50,000. Uh, 96% civilian. The 4% military come from accidents in the shower and citizens who didn't want to get bashed on the head."

"Great, great!" cried the king enthusiastically. "There have to be a few sacrifices, of course. We knew that from the get-go. As long as they aren't in my family. So, how do you figure the louse statistics?"

"We have a sophisticated computer model that projects results based on rigorous input parameters," said Dufo.

"Uh, ... could you translate that?" asked the king.

"Um, wild guessing, Your Highness."

"So, everything's cool, huh?" said the king, ready to boot the Chief of Royal Intelligence out the door.

"Well, uh," mumbled the Chief. "There is one other small thing ..."

"Oh?" inquired the king.

"Well, we did a, uh, study, Your Majesty ..."

"What kind of study?" asked the king.

"A very expensive study, Your Majesty."

"About ... ?" prompted the king.

"The effects of the War on Head Lice," said Dufo. "It seems that whacking people on the heads with mallets causes severe trauma to the heads. Concussions and fractures and death and stuff. And, uh, there are more head lice than ever."

"Well, gosh," said the king. "Who could ever predicted that?"

"No one, Your Majesty," said Chief of Royal Intelligence. "We needed an expensive study to figure it out."

The latest National Intellignce Estimate attributes to the Iraq war a direct influence in creating a new generation of jihadi terrorists. Well, duh.