My own fault, I guess, but I blame Philpott, too. Philpott is my neighbor, and he's the one who flaunted that damn thing in front of my face.

It was right in front of his house when I got home that day. And I mean, front and center.

"Hey, I bet you don't have one of these beauties!" gloated Philpott as I walked up my driveway. I bet he'd been waiting by the window for an hour, just so he wouldn't miss my arrival.

"Oh, yeah? Bigger and better!" I lied.

"Really?" he grinned. "Then, where is it?" The last time I saw an expression like that, it was sunning itself on a dry spot in the Everglades.

"Oh, I don't have the need to show off," I countered, planning my escape via the back door to make good my boasts by further bloating my Visa.

My headlong dash from front to back did not fail to catch the notice of my wife Margie, who had inconveniently arrived home before me.

"What are you doing?" she asked. "You just got home!"

"Look outside," I prompted. "It's Philpott. I can't let him best me!"

"Don't do it!" Margie warned. "Those things are ... compensators. For people who are ... how to put this delicately? ... a little short on the real thing. Know what I mean?"

But I couldn't help myself. I had to top Philpott and his shit-eating self-satisfaction. (Yes. Self-satisfaction can definitely eat shit. You haven't met Philpott.)

So, by the next morning, Philpott's pissant compensator was dwarfed by my own newer, grander, more elegant model. And by the morning after that, his new model was dwarfing mine. Of course, I couldn't let that stand, so I was off to buy another one. Margie just shook her head and sighed.

"What?" I asked huffily.

"Little boys," she tutted. "Insecure little boys."

Of course, it went down hill from there. I finally opted for therapy when the judge gave me a choice between that and debtor's prison. I didn't know we had debtor's prison. The judge said we didn't, but they would make an exception for me.

Now, I can finally admit it. They are compensators. For people of little patriotism. I don't have to have the biggest flag on the block. Or wave it in everyone's face.