Beaks Up This is a public service announcement: TO ALL TURKEYS:  Do NOT look straight up with your beak open in a thunderstorm!  REPEAT ... DO NOT LOOK STRAIGHT UP WITH YOUR BEAK OPEN IN A THUNDERSTORM! This is DANGEROUS behavior that may result in DROWNING!  If it rains, STAY HOME!
The Chronicles of Wiscaahnsin You know how you can sometimes walk through the back of your closet and find a magical land on the other side? Well, I did that, and you might be surprised at what I found.
Civics Lesson  This is a tale of two demonstrations.  One is a Good demonstration.  The other is a Bad demonstration.  It is important for you to understand which is which.
Don't Worry. Can't Happen  I keep hearing people saying that he's going to delay or cancel the elections.  I'm here to tell you that cannot happen. Not even in a time of global crisis, such as this one.  Elections are legally mandated, and no government executive authority, however high, can unilaterally alter that.  And getting the legislature to do any such thing ... well, it's laughable.  So stop worrying!  It just can't happen!
Evolutionary Dead Ends: The Fox Deer "I think we should postpone the grazing," said Junior.
Evolutionary Dead Ends: The Trumpeter Swine The Trumpeter Swine, Sus scrofula, once ranged across the length and breadth of the North American continent, from Maine to California, from Alaska to Florida, but with particularly high concentrations in the Redlands. Named for their explosive fulminations, the Trumpeter Swine were known for a hierarchical social structure, headed by the so-called High Hog. The species was annihilated by what is believed to have been a variant of the swine flu.
Four Horsemen  The Four Horsemen swept into the Oval Office for their meeting with the Antichrist.  And their names were Justice, State, Defense, and Health & Human Services.
Getting Ready "Hey, you ready down there?"
Heavenly Pow Wow  So God called a meeting of the archangels to address the earthly crisis.  Crises.  Satan attended ex officio.  As presumed Chief Crisis Generator.
The Gregarious Arranger He came out of the Southwest.  Because ... where else would he have come from?
How the Fat Guy Stole Christmas As dawn breaks on Christmas eve, it is reported that the Grinch has filed suit in every nation of the world to prevent Santa Claus from stealing Christmas.
Humane Alien philology is a challenging but rewarding specialty within the field of alien zoology.  It was only recently that I discovered what these creatures call themselves.  They call themselves "human."  When, that is, they aren't calling each other a variety of other colorful names.
King Ozy King Ozymandias looked on his works and rejoiced.  Round the opulence of his colossal mansion, boundless and burgeoning, the thriving metropolis stretched far away.
The Masque of the Orange Death The Orange Death had long devastated the country.  And the world.  There had been nothing like it since the Black Death.  But orange, as you know, is the new black.  So there you are.  The symptoms were hideous.  The hair turned orange.  Then senility and uncontrollable twittering.  Followed by the popping of the clogs.
The One Plague of Egypt So God said to Moses, "Enough of this slavery shit.  Go to Pharaoh and tell him to let the Israelites go."
Panic Reactions As the leading authority on alien zoology on planet Zork, I am pleased to announce that my recent researches into the behavior of Earth creatures have greatly increased our knowledge of Earth species enabled me to update our catalog of these creatures' panic reactions, to wit ...
Political Pandemics The national Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and the Democratic Party are jointly pleased to announce the end of the political pandemics caused by two of the most virulent viruses of recent years.
Stage 4 Reopening  This is the Stage 4 guidance for reopening the economy following the shutdown caused by the COVID-19 pandemic.  Stage 4 is also known as the Metastatic Stage.
They Said It The Snake to Adam and Eve:  "I'm the only thing standing between you and expulsion from the Garden of Eden."
Vaccine You may have heard of vaccines and rumors of vaccines, but now it is ready.  It has been tested.  It is effective.  It is effective against the Scourge.
Wizard Press Conferences I am Oz, the Powerful and Beautiful and Perfect!  Keep your eyes on the fireworks and the floating head!  Definitely not the curtain!