Evolutionary Dead Ends:  The Trumpeter Swine
copyright © 2020 by Robert L. Blau

The Trumpeter Swine, Sus scrofula, once ranged across the length and breadth of the North American continent, from Maine to California, from Alaska to Florida, but with particularly high concentrations in the Redlands. Named for their explosive fulminations, the Trumpeter Swine were known for a hierarchical social structure, headed by the so-called High Hog. The species was annihilated by what is believed to have been a variant of the swine flu.

                                                                ===================

"I've called this press conference to debunk some nasty rumors about my popularity," said the High Hog. "Everybody loves me.  Anyone who says different is just a hater.  Have you seen my ratings lately?"

"I'm sorry, Mr. High Hog.  That was a rather confusing statement.  If everyone loves you, who are the 'haters' you mention?"

"They're the fakin' bacon like you!" retorted the High Hog. "They hate me because everybody loves me!"

"Um, Mr. High Hog!  I would like to get in a word about our findings on the Pestilence and provide recommendations on how to slow its spread."

"Aw, go ahead, Porci," said the High Hog magnanimously. "If you must."

"Thank you, Sir.  This is a highly contagious virus, as you know, ..."

"My enemies made it all up," interjected the High Hog. "They don't like me because I'm so popular.  Fakin' bacon."

"Er, if I may continue," continued Porci, "other swine species, such as Sus scrofa, the wild boars, have had a lot of success by simply not all wallowing in the same bog all the time.  They maintain a space between individuals, about six feet.  It's called 'swinal distancing.'"

"It's all going to disappear in a month or two," said the High Hog.

"I'm afraid we may disappear in a few months, if we're not careful," said Porci. "The mortality rate on this thing is quite alarming."

"Guys," said the High Hog, "if you're really worried, just swallow a little insecticide.  Humans keep it around. That'll kill anything."

"Er, including us, I'm afraid," said Porci. "Another thing you can do is wash often.  A little more water, a little less wallowing in filth."

"It'll all disappear in a couple of months," yawned the High Hog. "Let's talk about me. I'm having a great big Swine Moot.  Y'all come and worship me.  Everybody loves me."