copyright © 2020
by Robert L. Blau
The Trumpeter Swine, Sus scrofula, once ranged across
the length and breadth
of the North American continent, from Maine to California, from Alaska
to Florida, but with particularly high concentrations in the Redlands.
Named for their explosive fulminations, the Trumpeter Swine were
known for a hierarchical social structure, headed by the so-called High
Hog.
The species was annihilated by what is believed to have
been a variant of the swine flu.
===================
"I've called this press conference to debunk some nasty rumors about my
popularity," said the High Hog. "Everybody loves me. Anyone who
says different is just a hater. Have you seen my ratings lately?"
"I'm sorry, Mr. High Hog. That was a rather confusing statement.
If everyone loves you, who are the 'haters' you mention?"
"They're the fakin' bacon like you!" retorted the High Hog. "They hate
me because everybody loves
me!"
"Um, Mr. High Hog! I would like to get in a word about our
findings on the Pestilence and provide recommendations on how to
slow its spread."
"Aw, go ahead, Porci," said the High Hog magnanimously. "If you must."
"Thank you, Sir. This is a highly contagious virus, as you know,
..."
"My enemies made it all up," interjected the High Hog. "They don't like
me because I'm so popular. Fakin' bacon."
"Er, if I may continue," continued Porci, "other swine species, such as
Sus scrofa, the wild boars,
have had a lot of success by simply not all wallowing in the same bog
all the time. They maintain a space between individuals, about
six feet. It's called 'swinal distancing.'"
"It's all going to disappear in a month or two," said the High Hog.
"I'm afraid we may disappear
in a few months, if we're not careful," said Porci. "The mortality rate
on this thing is quite alarming."
"Guys," said the High Hog, "if you're really worried, just swallow a
little insecticide. Humans keep it around. That'll kill anything."
"Er, including us, I'm
afraid," said Porci. "Another thing you can do is wash often. A
little more water, a little less wallowing in filth."
"It'll all disappear in a couple of months," yawned the High Hog.
"Let's talk about me. I'm having a great big Swine Moot. Y'all
come and worship me. Everybody loves me."