Beaks Up

This is a public service announcement: TO ALL TURKEYS: Do NOT look straight up with your beak open in a thunderstorm! REPEAT ... DO NOT LOOK STRAIGHT UP WITH YOUR BEAK OPEN IN A THUNDERSTORM! This is DANGEROUS behavior that may result in DROWNING! If it rains, STAY HOME!

This is G. Ford Kriepers for KFRU News at the massive turkey protest at the state capitol. O-Kay fer you, huh? The environs are crawling with turkeys, waving placards, gobbling slogans, flapping their wings, strutting to and fro. And the rain is pelting down like nobody's business. I am interviewing one of the feathered protesters. Sir, what is your name?

"Tom. Tom Turkey."

So the governor has issued a "come-in-out-of-the-rain" order. Is that what you're protesting here?

"Yes, sir. We are protesting gummint interference in our right to go out in the rain, if we want to, look whatever way we want to, and open and close our beaks as we see fit!"

I notice ... I feel ... that it's raining quite hard right now, and you seem to have your open beak stretched upward. Would you care to comment on that?

"Yes, I glub, glub, glub ..." (Thump.)

Okay, this one seems to be a nonstarter. Or a nonfinisher, at least. Here's another protester. What is your name, ma'am?

"Jenny Turkey."

You also appear to be looking straight up, open beak extended. What has brought you here today?

(Thud.)

And you, sir. What is your name?

"Tom. We're all either Tom or Jenny. Glub, glub." (Squelch).

Okay, I'm afraid there's not much more I can do here. The turkey carcasses are stretching as far as the eye can see. This is G. Ford Kriepers, signing off. And heading for shelter.

Of course, even if they could drown in the classic way, turkeys would be far too intelligent to let that happen. It takes a very special species to behave so suicidally.