copyright © 2020
by Robert L. Blau
So God said to Moses, "Enough of this slavery shit. Go to Pharaoh
and tell him to let the Israelites go."
Moses wasn't so sure that was a good idea. So he said, "I'm not
so sure that's a good idea. That Pharaoh's awful mean, and I
don't think he's going to go for that. And what do you think he's
going to do to the guy who suggests it?"
"Hey, who's the god around here, huh?" God replied. "Don't you think
I've got your back? If Pharaoh doesn't cough up those Israelites
pronto, I'm gonna hit the Egyptians with a whopping big plague.
You tell 'im that!"
"Ooo! What's it gonna be?" gushed Moses. "Cause I've got
some great ideas! Blood! Frogs! Lice! Ticks!
Maybe not ticks."
"No, no," said God. "None of that. Just one whopper of a
pestilence."
"Um, ok," said Moses. "You're the god." He still wasn't
sure about this, but he went to Pharaoh anyway.
=====
Pharaoh laughed. "Pestilence, huh? You amuse me. You
amuse me so much, I won't even feed you to the crocodiles. This time."
=====
"He isn't buying it," said Moses when he returned to God.
God shrugged. "His funeral. Or his people's funerals, much
in the plural. I'm calling it EVD-1500BC. By the way, so
the Israelites don't catch it, tell them to wash their hands
frequently, don't touch their faces, observe a social distance of 6
feet apart from each other. When Pharaoh knuckles under,
you can tell him how to do all that. Oh,
and stay home. If that's feasible. I realize slave labor
may be considered an essential function."
=====
So the plague raged, and Moses went back to Pharaoh.
"Ready to let my people go now?" he asked.
"Phooey!" said Pharaoh. "This'll blow over in a couple of weeks.
More people die every year of slave abuse. Did you know
that?"
=====
"Still not going for it," said Moses to God. "I think it's time
for sterner measures. How about a few more plagues? I
suggest hail, boils, and locusts. Whatta ya say?"
"Patience, I say," said God.
"This thing increases exponentially."
And so it did.
=====
When Moses returned to the Egyptian court a month later, Pharaoh was in
a foul mood.
"Now are you ready to
let my people go?" asked Moses.
"Never!" growled Pharaoh. "You know, you don't amuse me so much
anymore ..." He appeared to have crocodiles on his mind.
The court physician tugged on Pharaoh's robe. "You know, we did warn you that something like
this was likely to happen, Sire."
So Pharaoh had the court physician fed to the crocodiles.
"Everyone should just try a dose of sheep dip," Pharaoh suggested.
"Might work. Who knows?"
=====
One week later, Pharaoh issued the release order, Moses relayed the
plague mitigation protocols, and the Israelites marched forth into the
wilderness.
Egypt had run out of toilet paper.
=====
Postscript:
As the Israelites approached the Red Sea, they became aware of the
Egyptian army bearing down on them. Pharaoh had changed his mind.
Perhaps he had scored a TP shipment from China.
"Help!" cried Moses to God. "You have to help us! Part the
Red
Sea or something!"
"Whattaya think I am, a miracle worker?" replied God reprovingly.
"Like I said before, patience!"
Suddenly, the entire Egyptian army fell over dead.
"Failure to observe adequate social distancing," said God. "We did warn them."