"What word from the Northern Border?"
    "Not good, Your Majesty.  The Dark Lord is massing troops there.  I fear an invasion is imminent."
    "Have you sent reinforcements, as I ordered, General Percy?"
    "Yes, Your Majesty, but we're, uh, a bit outmanned, nonetheless."
    "Then send more!"
    "We can't send anymore without leaving the capital unprotected.  Um, one thing, Your Majesty."
    "Yes, General Percy?"
    General Percy winced.  "Could you please call me 'General Lance' from now on?"
    "I suppose so, General Percy.  But why?"
    "I hear the troops snickering behind my back, Your Majesty.  They don't respect me.  I think it's the name.  I'm going to have it legally changed..."
    "Well, as you wish, General ... Lance.  But tell me:  Where are Dan and Eric?"
    "Nowhere to be found, Your Majesty."
    "I thought I told you to arrest those jackals!"
    "They fled as soon as they heard you had taken charge, My Queen."
    Queen Eek!eek! smirked faintly.  "Maybe they aren't as stupid as I thought.  Ah, well.  Thank you, General P... General Lance.  I need to inquire the king's condition of the Court Physician now.  His Majesty hasn't been ... coherent since the Crown Prince's disappearance."
    "Yes, Your Majesty.  I wish His Majesty a speedy recovery.  But if you'll pardon my temerity, this kingdom has run a lot better since you took over."

    Sheldon stumbled and went head first into a pile of cow dung.
    "I'm sorry!  Here, let me help you!"  Twimwose fretted around the fallen nerd, alternately trying to clean him up and help him to rise.
    "I can't see where I'm going," Sheldon protested. "I'm afraid I'm a bit, uh, nearsighted, and at night I'm just about hopeless."
    "I'm sorry," said Twimwose again, "but we have to travel by night.  Worms are day feeders."  She shuddered.
    "How much farther to the DL's castle?" sighed Sheldon.
    "DL?"
    "Uh, Dark Lord.  In my business, we don't like to use complete words.  Too easy to understand."
    "Ah!  It isn't far now, but we have to go slowly to dodge the ... DL's men.  Probably another day."
    "I think we'll make it faster than that," sighed Sheldon.
    "What makes you think so?" asked Twimwose.
    "Those big guys with swords," said Sheldon, pointing over Twimwose's shoulder.
    "Ah, them."

    "We caught these two skulking around near our camp, My Lord.  A dwarf and ... this funny-looking guy."
    Sheldon and Twimwose found themselves in the throne room of the DL's castle.  The DL was seated on what looked like a folding chair at the other end of a long aisle.  The castle itself was a bit of an anticlimax.  It looked more like a heap of bricks than a castle, but for a kingdom with only a single road, it wasn't bad.  As for the DL, he was a diminutive figure, not much taller than Peaburp.  He wore a black cloak with a black hood that completely obscured his face, except for his eyes, which glowed a dull red.
    "He isn't known for his sense of fashion," murmured Twimwose.
    "Ah, another dwarf for my mines!" cackled the DL. "Not sure what I'll do with this other guy..."
    "Hey, your Darkness!" barked Sheldon. "What kind of a dump is this, anyway?  And where's my little buddy?"
    "Silence!" squeaked the DL. "No one speaks without my permission!  Not that it's any of your business, but I don't waste resources on fancy palaces!  Everything goes into munitions and bureaucracy!"
    "Stuff your bureaucracy!  Let my buddy go!" Sheldon attempted to advance toward the DL, but the guards restrained him.
    "Let him go!" snickered the DL shrilly. "I want to have a little fun with this big ... whatever he is."
    The guards fell back.  Sheldon stalked purposefully down the aisle.
    "I'll just hypnotize you first!" smirked the DL confidently.  "Watch this!"
    His eyes began to glow brighter, and a stream red light shot directly toward Sheldon's eyes.
    But then a funny thing happened. The light from the DL's eyes dissipated harmlessly on Sheldon's bottle-thick lenses.
    "Oh, well," laughed the DL, a mite nervously, however, "I'll just have to dispatch this clown!"
    A skinny arm emerged from the DL's cloak, and lightning flashed from his fingers.  But the lightning encountered a small obstacle:  Sheldon's plastic pocket protector.
    "Whoops!" chirped the DL.
    By this time, Sheldon had grasped the DL's cloak near the neck with both hands.
    "Eek!" squeaked the DL and fainted dead away.
    The celebration among his erstwhile subjects was immediate and universal.

    Queen Eek!eek! raised both her eyebrows.
    "Withdrawn?  The entire army?  How can that be, General P... Lance?  Is this some kind of trick?"
    "No trick, Your Majesty.  The plague of worms has also abated.  A powerful new wizard has vanquished the Dark Lord.  Reports are that a national holiday has been proclaimed in Blort.  And a contest to change the name of the country."
    "Let's not celebrate prematurely ourselves," cautioned the queen. "What do we know about this new wizard and his ambitions?"
    "Uh, ... nothing, Your Majesty," confessed General P... Lance.
    "Well, find out!" ordered the queen. "Heck, invite him over, if you can!"

    "Now, this is more what a palace ought to look like!" Sheldon was clearly impressed by the Euphonian castle.  His two diminutive companions were less excited.
    "Last time I was here, they almost killed me, so you'll excuse my lack of enthusiasm," replied Peaburp drily.
    "There have been some changes since then."  Queen Eek!eek! had just entered and occupied the throne.  The assembled fell all over each other bowing.
    "Oh, can the prostrations," said the queen. "Is this the wizard who vanquished the Dark Lord?"
    "Yes!" peeped Peaburp.
    "Wizard?" squinted Sheldon. "No, I'm no wizard, ma'am.  But yeah, I stared down the little jerk, if that's what you're asking."
    "Yes, that's what I'm asking," said the queen. "So, are you going to be the new ruler of Blort?"
    "Heck, no!" said Sheldon. "I have to get back to work.  And then I have Star Trek convention to go to."
    "Star Trek?  Oh, never mind.  Can I persuade you to take a job here, then?  We have a couple of vacancies for Royal Advisor III."
    "Thanks, but no thanks, ma'am," said Sheldon. "I really want to go home."
    "And is the Dark Lord ... dead?"  The voice belonged to King Egregious the Nth, who had quietly joined the assemblage in crown and night shirt.
    "No, Your Majesty," Twimwose chimed in. "Not dead.  In intensive therapy to deal with his power and domination issues.  Could take years."
    "I recognize you, dwarf," said the king to Peaburp.
    "Yeah, I was the one you tried to murder."
    "Oh, come on.  How long are you going to hold that against me?" griped the king. "I'm sorry, ok?  Look, I last saw you in the company of my son.  Do you ... know where he is?  If he's all right?"
    "Oh, yes, Your Majesty.  He's fine.  He's delivering mail in another universe."
    "Come again?"
    "And he has a girlfriend," added Sheldon. "Don't worry.  We can explain..."