The Wisdom of the Mighty Information Wizard

                                                                                                                                                                                            copyright © 1999 by Robert L. Blau

    Once upon a time, in a kingdom not so far away, there lived a king. His kingdom was large and prosperous, with numerous flourishing enterprises, an industrious and educated population, and abundant natural resources. The king was an enlightened and compassionate monarch. There was just one problem. The king had no idea what was going on in his kingdom.
    "Why is it," he complained, "that I can never get any accurate information about anything?"
    The king decided to consult his Three Chief Counselors, Lerigh, Kurleigh, and Mough. When he arrived at their chambers, the three Counselors were dancing around the Big Pot, tossing unidentifiable ingredients into the steaming, foul-smelling brew and chanting in a strange tongue.
    "Common Sense!" chanted Lerigh.
    "Good Science!" chanted Kurleigh.
    "Fiscal Responsibility!" chanted Mough.
    "NYUK, NYUK, NYUK!" they all intoned in a terrible voice.
    "What's up, guys?" asked the king.
    When they saw the king, all three Counselors turned toward him with arms raised in benediction.
    "Hail, King!" said Lerigh.
    "Hail, Emperor!" said Kurleigh.
    "Hail, God Almighty!" said Mough.
    "NYUK, NYUK, NYUK!" they all said.
    "Say, you guys really know how to kiss up," said the king. "And don't think I don't appreciate that. But I have a problem that I need some advice on. With all the Information Wizards we have running around, you'd think I could get a lousy report when I ask for it. But, no! It's one excuse after another. 'We don't keep that information,' or 'That information is in three different databases,' or 'We don't have enough Information Wizards.' My reports are late, contradictory, or nonexistent. Or all three, if that's possible. And now all my Information Wizards are bolting to other kingdoms or going to work for the Lords of Lucre for the big bucks. How am I supposed to take care of the people and promote the Three Great Principles of Common Sense, Good Science, and Fiscal Responsibility?"
    "Oh, King!" said Lerigh. "We serve the Lords of Lucre! What's this crap about 'the people?' Brothers, let us set the King straight on the Three Great Principles! What is Common Sense?"
    "Common Sense is the Logic of the Lords of Lucre!" cried Kurleigh and Mough.
    "What is Good Science?"
    "Good Science is the Science which lays low the enemies of the Lords of Lucre!"
    "What is Fiscal Responsibility?"
    "Fiscal Responsibility is funneling riches to the Lords of Lucre!"
    "So, what are the Three Great Principles?"
    "That which serves the Lords of Lucre!"
    "NYUK, NYUK, NYUK!" thundered the Three Chief Counselors.
    "Ok, ok. I've got it," said the king. "But I still can't get a lousy report. What am I supposed to do about that?"
    "Oh, King!" said Lerigh. "The problem is that you have relied on inferior Information Wizards of small wisdom."
    "You need to hire a Mighty Information Wizard," said Kurleigh.
    "All the hip kingdoms are doing it," said Mough.
    "NYUK, NYUK, NYUK!"
    "But doesn't that cost a lot of money? Is it Fiscally Responsible?" asked the king.
    "Hey, King," said Lerigh, lightening up a little, "there's always money for managers. Get rid of a few secretaries. Anyway, an MIW will save you a bundle down the road."
    "And we know just the guy for the job, too," said Kurleigh.
    "Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk," said Mough.

    Resplendent in full wizard regalia, the Mighty Information Wizard flew in on a Magic Credential Dragon. The entire kingdom followed his progress across the sky with gasps of awe. Even the Information Wizards were transfixed. The king had been having some doubts about his Counselors' brainchild, but they dissipated as he watched the unfolding spectacle.
    "So, you're the Mighty Wizard my Counselors recommended."
    "Mighty Information Wizard," said the Mighty Information Wizard. "Mighty Wizards are a dime a dozen."
    "I beg your pardon," said the king. "Lerigh, Kurleigh, and Mough said you had some impressive credentials. Could you fill me in a little on those?"
    "You betcher scepter, Your Majesty. Just take a look at my MCD," said the MIW, gesturing at the dragon. "Puff, show him your stuff."
    The dragon belched lazily. Then there was a rumble deep in its bowels as it discharged a large load of foul-smelling excrement.
    "Now, that," said the MIW, "represents my years of public service in the Kingdom of Atlantis. They didn't know Unix from DOS when I arrived. Turned their whole program around. This is the proof that I know how to get results in the public sector."
    "By the way," said the king, "whatever became of Atlantis? I haven't heard a peep out of them in years."
    "And that," said the MIW as Puff excreted another fetid load, "represents my years as Mentor to other Information Wizards. This proves that I know how to get results in an academic setting."
    Puff relieved himself again. The odor was indescribable.
    "And there you see the jewel in the crown, if I may say so:  my years of faithful service to the Lords of Lucre."
    "Uh, that will be more than enough," gasped the king.
    "But Puff is just getting rolling," objected the Mighty Information Wizard. "I have credentials up the old, well, you get the picture."
    "I'm sold," choked the king. "Could we continue our conversation somewhere else?"

    "So, tell me about your information problems," the Mighty Information Wizard said soothingly.
    "I can't tell you how glad I am you're here," said the king. "But I don't know if even you are up to this. You've never seen such a mess. There's information all over the place. You need different spells to get the information out of different places, and none of my Information Wizards knows all the spells. To make matters worse, my Information Wizards are all leaving for better jobs. I can't pay them more because that would not be Fiscally Responsible. And the upshot of it all is that I can never get any accurate information when I need it."
    The Mighty Information Wizard listened attentively, nodding sympathetically. Then he smiled.
    "King," he said, "you do have a serious problem, but you have made a wise decision in hiring me. I have seen it all before, and I have fixed it all before. Allow me to explain.
    "First of all, you have made a common and understandable error. You think that people are important in business. Nothing could be further from the truth. What is important is Neat Stuff. Let your Information Wizards go. Bunch of losers, if you ask me. What you need to do is buy the Silver Wand from Silver Wand Solutions. It will do all the spells for you and never make a mistake. And it will develop your information systems for you in a fraction of the time it takes your Information Wizards."
    "Wow!" said the king. "That sounds too good to be true! But wouldn't something like that be expensive? It certainly sounds like Good Science, but I'm not sure it makes Common Sense or is Fiscally Responsible."
    "You can only waste money on people," said the MIW. "There's always room in the budget for Neat Stuff. Sure, the Silver Wand costs a few gazillion bucks, but it will more than pay for itself down the road."
    "Um, how does it know how to develop an information system?" asked the king.
    "It's very simple and economical, King. We just pull together everyone who knows about the business end, put them in a room for a week, and get them to tell us everything we need to know. It's called Joint Application Development, or JAD."
    "That sounds pretty grueling. Do you think people can really perform well under those conditions? And who will be minding the store while we're doing this?"
    "Not to worry, King. This stuff works. Trust me. I know. The business can take care of itself for that long. Think about the benefits down the road."
    "Something is still bothering me. Who is going to be gathering all this information from the business area experts? My Information Wizards?"
    "Oh, heavens no!" scoffed the Mighty Information Wizard. "We hire Mighty Information Consultants who are skilled in the methodology. Fortunately, Silver Wand Solutions has just the kind of people we need."
    "I hate to repeat myself," said the king, "but won't that cost a lot of money? And now we're talking people, not Neat Stuff."
    "Ah," said the MIW. "I see you don't understand the difference between ordinary people and Consultants. Money paid to someone who works for you is money down the toilet. But money paid to a Consultant means profits for the Lords of Lucre. Now do you see?"
    "How foolish of me," the king apologized. "But I do have one more question. This all sounds too good and too expensive to be true, but how long will it take to see results?"
    "Why, barely the wave of a wand," chuckled the Mighty Information Wizard. "The first project will take only six weeks. (Two years at the outside.) Other projects will follow until your treasury is exhausted."

    Three years passed in the kingdom not so far away, and the Mighty Information Wizard was almost as good as his word. The old, inferior Information Wizards departed, and the kingdom echoed with the screams and snores of JAD participants and the chuckles of Mighty Information Consultants. The Royal Treasury was nearly bankrupt. But the king was pleased as he summoned the MIW, for the first of the Silver Wand applications was complete.
    When the MIW appeared, he was carrying a suitcase.
    "What's the suitcase for, Mighty Wizard?" asked the king. "Are you taking a trip?"
    "Mighty Information Wizard," said the MIW. "Mighty Wizards are a dime a dozen. My work here is through. I have turned your business around and sucked your treasury dry. I have met another challenge and prevailed. It is time to move on. I never hang around to receive thanks. Old Puff is packed and ready to go."
    "Well, praise God for that, at least," said the king. "I am sorry to see you go. But before you go, there is just one more thing I want to ask of you. I must say that these three years have been something of an ordeal, but there was one thing that kept me going. Now that the First Application is done, I want to see my timely, accurate reports."
    "Oh," said the Mighty Information Wizard. "The Silver Wand doesn't do reports. Bye."
    And he was gone.
    "Now what am I going to do?" mused the king. "The MIW is gone, the money is gone, and I still can't get any reports. I know! Maybe my Three Chief Counselors can help!"

    The king found Lerigh, Kurleigh, and Mough packing up the Big Pot.
    "Hey, guys," called the king. "What's up?"
    When the three Counselors saw the king, they barely raised their eyebrows.
    "Hi, guy," said Lerigh.
    "Yeah, hi," said Kurleigh.
    "Hmph," muttered Mough.
    "Hey, what happened to all the 'Hail!' stuff?" asked the king. "I liked that."
    "Oh, we're all going to become lobbyists for the Lords of Lucre," said Lerigh.
    "We told you we served the Lords of Lucre," said Kurleigh. "Remember?"
    "Bye," said Mough.
    Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.