Memo to All Employees:

    We have the results of the "We Hear You!" survey.  As a reminder, the "We Hear You!" survey is a completely voluntary, absolutely anonymous opinion survey on working conditions here at Amalgamated Whistle Systems.  Please forward this email to anyone in the company you know who has not received it.  Everyone should receive a copy of this email, except your former coworkers who chose not to participate.
    As we said, the results are in!  Not only do we have results, but also management solutions to the top five whiny complaints!

Whiny Complaint #1:  Suffocating bureaucracy.  The unwieldy mass of procedures and approvals required to perform any task makes my job almost impossible to do (boo-hoo -ed.).  I am spending more time on bureaucratic red tape than I am on actual work.  I am surprised that this company doesn't implode from the weight of its own procedures.

Solution:  This issue had a two part resolution.  First, the person who wrote the words quoted above no longer has to worry about this company's procedures.  Second, effective immediately, anyone who wants to perform any task must come to a meeting 24 hours before implementation for final approval.  Failure to do so will result in the revocation of your approvals.

Whiny Complaint #2:  Pathetic communications.  You keep changing things on us without notice.  How are we supposed to know what's going on (violin accompaniment -ed.)?

Solution:  Did we tell you about the new policy on task implementation?  See?  There you go!  Also, we have 800 web sites that probably have most of what you want to know.  Somewhere.

Whiny Complaint #3:  Excessive overtime.  We are essentially on duty all the time.  Not only do my regular assignments take 60 hours a week, but I also have on-call responsibilities on top of that (wimp -ed.).

Solution:  We have laid off 20% of the workforce to reduce operating expenses.

Whiny Complaint #4:  High stress.  Everything seems to be top priority, and deadlines are assigned by fiat, rather than figured out according to the amount of work required and the number of people available to do it (you're breaking my heart here -ed.).

Solution:  Management has evaluated and prioritized all projects.  They all have to be done immediately.

Whiny Complaint #5:  Alternative means of transportation not encouraged.  I would like to ride my bicycle to work, but the streets are busy, and I often have to pick up at a moment's notice and go to meetings in distant places (well, la-de-da -ed.).

Solution:  We are moving this former employee's place of work out on a highway with a 65 mph speed limit, no shoulders, and vicious, mutant semis.  But the building will have plenty of bicycle racks.

The Management