"Good evening. This is G. Ford Kriepers with
the KFRU Eye on News. Ok for you! In our top story tonight,
underwater robots have retrieved the second "black box", or pinger from
the ill-fated Fleierdye Airlines Flight 101. As we have reported,
all 180 passengers and crew were lost in one of the greatest tragedies
in the history of flight. It has been widely suspected that Flight
101 was the victim of a terrorist act. Prunella Pringle has been
covering this story from Day 1. Prunella, what can the boxes tell
us?"
"Thanks, Ford. First of all, I want to reassure
everyone that this was not as great a tragedy as originally reported.
It turns out that there were only three Americans on board, and none of
those were Texans. However, we were all in for an unpleasant surprise
here. The cause of this disaster was not terrorism, as many had thought.
No, Ford, something far more insidious caused this aircraft to take a header
into the big pond. There was a gay marriage in Vermont! Back
to you, Ford."
"My God, Prunella! Well, there you have it
folks. This is what you get when you grant homosexual unions the
same legal status as good ol' heterosex. You can thank the Vermont
Supreme Court for this.
"In our next story, there was an explosion this
afternoon at the Big State Agency in Austin. Jackson Aces is on the
scene with that report. Jackson?"
"It's still highly chaotic over here, Ford.
At least a hundred people are reported dead or missing, with scores
of others injured. The only good news is that all the dead and injured
were state employees. The FBI has been called in. I've managed
to get an exclusive interview with Agent Yancey R. Tapper here. Agent
Tapper, what have you discovered? Is it the Arabs?"
"Agent Tapper here. No, Jackson. Nothing
as benign as that. It seems that today, the State of Vermont granted
insurance benefits to the partners of homosexual employees. We're
going to see a lot more of this kind of destruction, I'm afraid."
"There you have it, Ford. Back to you."
"Thanks, Jackson. We have a breaking story
here. The war in Chechnya is over. As you may remember, the
Russians invaded Chechnya because of several domestic bombings, which they
blamed on Chechnyan terrorists. Now, Russian security has vindicated
Chechnya of any responsibility in those bombings. It turns out that
the bombings were caused by sanctioned gay domestic partner activities
in Vermont. Russia is in the process of withdrawing all troops from
Chechnya in preparation for an invasion of Vermont. Reportedly, Russian
nuclear missiles have already been targeted on Montpelier. That's
all the news for now. May tomorrow be ok for you!"
The Vermont Supreme Court recently ruled that gay marriages/partnerships were entitled to the same protections and privileges as heterosexual unions. Republican presidential hopeful Gary Bauer, in one of the truly fatuous comments in recent memory, called the ruling "worse than terrorism."