The Tooth Trade

I must first acknowledge that I sympathize with the anti-trade activists. I admire their heart and their good intentions. It is their case that is, ultimately, unsound. I will explain.

The argument is, basically, that it is cruel of us to kill these animals for their teeth. They are noble, intelligent, and endangered as a species. And all we are doing is using their teeth to make pretty things that we could easily do without or manufacture from some alternate substance, such as plastic.

Let us consider each of these arguments.

First, I dispute their "nobility" and "intelligence." I think the key point is that they are animals. Nobility and intelligence are attributes that describe our species. I have observed these brutes in their natural habitat, and believe me, there is nothing noble or intelligent about them. They're filthy, quarrelsome, and debased. They just happen to have ornamental teeth.

Second, they breed like cockroaches. There is no way that this species is going to go extinct anytime soon.

So there is no reason for us to deprive ourselves of the little enamel sparklies with which Nature has endowed this species of lower animal. What other purpose, beside our own enjoyment, could she have intended?

Ever since that near-miss asteroid, it has been obvious that this world and all its inferior species were meant for the use and enjoyment of us dinosaurs.

But I almost forgot. Teeth are not the only things those little two-legged mammals have to offer us. Their testicles, served up in a nice soup, are said to be an excellent aid to sexual potency. We should be harvesting those as well. Most effective when cut from the living animal!