superjob

    "Well, of course you aren't getting any interviews! Just look at this resume: 'Faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than a locomotive. Able to leap tall buildings at a single bound.' What's that all about?" Mitzi was my Re-employment Consultant at the Metropolis Re-employment Commission. Her picture appears in the dictionary next to "perky."
    "Don't you believe me?" I replied testily. "I can prove every word."
    "You're missing the point," said Mitzi. "You only have about 10 seconds to catch a reviewer's eye. Super heroes are a dime a dozen. You have to make your resume stand out. You're not doing a job description here! Of course you're faster than a speeding bullet. It's one of the job requirements. How do you make yourself stand out from all the other out-of-work superheroes who are faster than a speeding bullet?"
    "Uh, I'm afraid I don't follow," I said.
    "Don't be discouraged!" said Mitzi encouragingly. "I know how it is. Fifty years of routinely saving the world, and then, pow! You're redundant."
    "Yeah," I sighed. "Replaced by electronic surveillance equipment. That's what the mayor said when he laid me off. You know what else he said? 'No one has any secrets anymore ... Clark!' And then he laughed like a loon."
    "There, there," said Mitzi soothingly. "You super guys just don't know how to sell yourselves. Let's take this one step at a time. In the first place, your accomplishments need to be written up using SAR methodology."
    I had not idea what "SAR methodology" meant.
    "That's 'Situation Action Result,'" said Mitzi helpfully. "The situation is your performance objective. For example, 'Act speedily to prevent property damage and save lives.' The action is what you do to accomplish the performance objective. For example, 'Ran faster than a speeding bullet.'"
    "Well, not necessarily ran," I interjected.
    "Flew?"
    "Sometimes I fly, sometimes I run, sometimes I skip..."
    "'Ran, flew, or skipped ...'"
    "Or jumped," I added.
    "Ok, " said Mitzi, holding up both hands in a gesture of restraint. "Let's get on with the result. The result is what your action accomplished. For example, 'Prevented 6.2 billion dollars in property damage and saved 27 lives.' So, the statement on your resume would be 'Ran, flew, skipped, or jumped faster than a speeding bullet to prevent 6.2 billion dollars in property damage and save 27 lives.'"
    "Sometimes I just stretched," I said.
    "Ok ok ok," said Mitzi.
    ":So, is that it?"
    "Not by a longshot!" chirped Mitzi. What does 'Faster than a speeding bullet' really mean? What kind of bullet are you talking about? .22 caliber? .45 caliber? M16?"
    "Um, any bullet, I suppose. I never found one I couldn't beat."
    "So, what do you mean by 'speeding?' Is there a ballistic speed limit?"
    "It just means 'going very fast.' The way bullets do," I fumbled.
    "Maybe you would be better off just saying how fast you can go," Mitzi suggested. "Would that be 2800 feet per second? 3200?"
    "I'm not sure," I admitted. "But way faster than that. At least one-tenth the speed of light, but I've never had myself timed."
    "Ok," nodded Mitzi. "So, one thing you have to do is get yourself timed at our office here. You should be tested at least once a year. But let's go on. Knowing how fast you can go isn't enough. You have to be specific. You have to give examples of how you used your speed to benefit your company. Are there any accomplishments you're particularly proud of?"
    "Well, there was that one bank robbery I foiled. Bullets flying everywhere. I had to zip from one corner of the bank to another to shield all the innocent bystanders."
    "How many innocent bystanders?" probed Mitzi. "How many bullets?"
    "Um, I'm not sure. Maybe 20 people and 100 bullets ..."
    "Was that the only time you did that, or were there multiple instances?"
    "Oh, I suppose I must've performed similar interventions a dozen times or so over the last 50 years ..."
    "How many bystanders? How many bullets?" Mitzi repeated.
    "Gee, I don't know," I sputtered. "Sometimes there were a couple of bystanders, sometimes maybe 25 or 30. Sometimes the crooks never got off a shot. I think 100 was probably tops, give or take a few."
    "And what were the assets of the banks?"
    "Gee, I don't know. Millions I suppose. I never thought about it."
    Mitzi shook her head disapprovingly. "See what I mean about you super guys? You need to pay attention to these things! Would you say the gross assets were more or less than a billion dollars?"
    "Um, more," I guessed.
    "Ok, so how about this: 'Over a period of 50 years, foiled 12 bank robberies. Ran, flew, skipped, or otherwise traveled at a speed of one-tenth the speed of light to deflect from 1 to in excess of 100 bullets to prevent losses in excess of one billion dollars and protect from 2 to 30 bystanders.' Now, isn't that better than 'Faster than a speeding bullet?' The HR professional who reviews a resume with that statement is going to take notice!"
    "So, we're done with that one?" I asked.
    "Not quite!" bubbled Mitzi. "There's the overqualification issue."
    "The overqualification issue?"
    "Right! You don't want to show too much experience, or they'll think you're ..."
    "Old?" I suggested.
    "No. That would be age discrimination. We call it 'overqualified' these days."
    So, here's what we finally came up with:

        In 5+ years of professional super heroing, foiled 12 bank robberies. Ran, flew, skipped, or otherwise traveled
        at a speed of one-tenth the speed of light to deflect from 1 to 100+ bullets to prevent losses in excess of one
        billion dollars and protect from 2 to 30 bystanders.

    "Ok," continued Mitzi. "How about that 'More powerful than a locomotive' thing? What's the purpose of that?"
    "I don't know. It's just a useful skill, if you're a super hero ..."
    Mitzi scowled.
    "Stopping trains to prevent train wrecks," I said quickly.
    "What kind of trains?"
    "All kinds ... Uh, Japanese bullet," I corrected myself.
    "How many?" prompted Mitzi. "Did you use any appliances or machinery to stop these trains? How long did it take you to stop them? How much property did you save? How about lives?"
    To make a long story short ... shorter, this was the final statement:

In 5+ years of professional super heroing, stopped 10+ Japanese bullet trains using bare hands in no more than
5 seconds per stop to protect property valued at 100 million dollars and save 1500 lives.

    Mitzi eyed me critically. "What's the performance objective for 'Able to leap tall buildings at a single bound' about?'"
    I sputtered and stammered for a couple of minutes without coming up with anything coherent.
    "You're just showing off there, aren't you?" scolded Mitzi. "We'll just cut that one out entirely, shall we?"
    "So, now that I have this neat, new resume," I said. "I have a couple of questions. Sometimes I see a job opening that looks like a good fit, but they want something I can't do, like physically transforming from a human being to a super hero or making spider webs. Should I apply for those?"
    "You have to work on your self-confidence!" chided Mitzi. "Of course you should apply for those jobs!"
    "How about follow-ups?" I continued. "After I submit my resume, should I call up the recruiter or the hiring supervisor to ask about the status? Or is that too pushy?"
    "By all means, call them!" said Mitzi. "It demonstrates your interest. They love it!"

    I next spoke to Mitzi some six months later. My new and improved resume notwithstanding, I still hadn't gotten a single interview.
    "I don't understand it," I whined. "I have a great, attention-getting resume. How come no one wants to talk to me?"
    Mitzi looked at my resume and shook her head. "I can see that you haven't seen the latest list of recruiters' 'Top Ten Resume Peeves.' Looks like you're guilty of 3 or 4 of these!"
    She obligingly handed me a piece of paper. The first item said, "Inaccurate dates or none at all."
    "Wait a minute!" I objected. "I thought we were leaving out dates to avoid age dis ... I mean, appearing overqualified."
    "Tsk, tsk," said Mitzi. "Trying to shift blame for poor resume writing."
    The next "peeve" was "Long paragraphs."
    "You can't expect busy recruiters to read all that detail about how many bullets you stopped," chided Mitzi.
    "But ..."
    "And I hope you haven't been applying for jobs you aren't qualified for! That's another pet peeve."
    "But ..."
    "And I hope you didn't violate this one: 'Harassing follow-up calls!'"
    "But ..." I stammered again.
    "I was just talking to a recruiter at SuperCorp the other day," said Mitzi, "and he was lamenting over the lack of concise, to-the-point resumes."
    "SuperCorp? I applied for a job there about a month ago. Never heard a word. And it's a shame, too, because it seemed like a perfect fit. I wonder what they were looking for."
    Mitzi looked at me askance. "What they really wanted, she said, "was someone who could jump over a tall building at one go."