copyright © 2003 by Robert L. Blau

    Following a night of "Stockholm Awe," in which American cruise missiles pummeled the Swedish capital, coalition forces swarmed across the Baltic from their bases in Estonia and Latvia.  In heavy house-to-house combat, coalition troops battled Swedish police, security guards, letter carriers, and maintenance crew.  Progress toward their target, the Nobel Foundation, was slow.  The allies were denied a western pincer to the operation when the Norwegian parliament voted to deny them use of Norwegian territory as a staging area.  "Norway is making a big mistake," opined Deputy Secretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz.  Optimism is high for a quick end to the war, but Secretary of State Donald Rumsfeld warned against over confidence.  (Correction:  That's Secretary of Defense .)  "This conflict could take days, not hours," said Rumsfeld as the ragtag Swedish defenders dug in to defend their bastion of evil.  (Or maybe it's Secretary of State and Defense.)
    The Bush administration identified Sweden as the next Axis-of-Evil nation in the chain of conquest because it harbors the terrorist Nobel Foundation.
    "We gave them a chance to hand over the Nobelites, but they refused," said presidential press secretary Ari Fleischer. "So they deserve everything they get.  We're going to root out that aid-and-comfort-to-the-enemy prize."
    Asked which prize that was, Mr. Fleischer replied, "It's the one they gave to that wimpy embarrassment of a former president.  We don't say the 'p' word around here."

    In a completely unrelated incident, the White House announced the first annual Rumsfeld Awards, or Rummies.  The awards,  named after Donald Rumsfeld, the greatest military leader since Attila the Hun, are to be funded by recently acquired oil revenues. The first Rumsfeld Shock and Awe Prize went to eponym Donald Rumsfeld for his Shock and Awe campaign in Iraq.  President George W. Bush won the Rummy for Transference.  The awards committee cited Mr. Bush's brilliance in hanging the "Weapons of Mass Destruction" charge on Iraq, a small nation of negligible military might, when the United States possesses more weapons of mass destruction than the rest of the world combined, is the only nation ever to use nuclear weapons, and refuses to disavow the use of nuclear weapons in conflicts such as the one in Iraq.  Also considered to be in the brilliant category were Mr. Bush's branding of Iraq as the aggressor while U.S. missiles battered Baghdad and his domestic sale of restrictions on individual liberties as defense of freedom.
    Other Rummy winners are as follows:

    Corporate Booster Prize - Vice President Dick Cheney for his unswerving dedication to the Halliburton Company and                                                       other corporations eager to share the spoils of Iraq.
    Guardian of the Homeland Prize - Attorney General John Ashcroft for his avid dismantling of the Constitution.
    Joe McCarthy Prize - the Republican Party for equating dissent with treason.
    Loyal Opposition Prize - the Democratic Party for rolling over on command.

    The White House also announced progress on upcoming invasions.  The invasion of Iran will be known as "Auk and Shah." The coalition will liberate the Iranian people by reinstalling a Shah.  And, while they're at it, it seems like a good time to experiment with bringing back the extinct Great Auk.  The working title for the invasion of North Korea is "Hem and Haw" because of North Korea's actual nuclear arms, as opposed to Iraq's vapor MWD.  Other invasions under consideration are "Lafayette, It's Payback Time" (France), "The Battle for Moscow" (Russia), and "We've Got Your New Fuehrer Right Here" (Germany).  The assault on UN headquarters in New York is to be called "Who Needs You?"  It is unclear whether this action will be preceded by the standard missile assault.  The domestic program has not yet been named, but "Martial Law" is the working title.  The use of tactical nuclear weapons may be required in the event of really large demonstrations.