St. Donald and the Dragon

You have probably heard the story of St. George and the Dragon. But you haven't heard it right.

Once upon a time, there was a Mythical Kingdom that was terrorized by a dragon who lived in a lake. The people of the Mythical Kingdom had to appease the dragon by feeding it sheep and then, when they ran out of sheep, children. This is the story you know. So far, so good. Or so bad, depending on your point of view.

So the king, tiring of sacrificing children ... when his daughter's number came up ... decided to engage St. George the renowned dragon slayer to rid the MK of its dragon, once and for all.

"I need someone to empty that lake!" declared the king.

And that's when he got a visit from St. Donald.

"You don't want Incompetent St. George," bawled St. Donald. "He's terrible. So incompetent."

"But St. George has a proven dragon-slaying track record," objected the king. "He snuffed one in Libya*, for instance."

"Oh, have you got it wrong!" replied St. Donald. "Incompetent St.George was investigated seventeen times for incompetence connected with that dragon slaying!"

"And acquitted every single time," rejoined the king.

"But Incompetent St.George was investigated seventeen times," insisted St. Donald. "So Incompetent St.George must have done something bad."

"Not quite seeing the logic," mused the king. "Now that you mention it, who was it who investigated him so many times?"

"Some patriotic friends of mine," muttered St. Donald quickly. "But I can make the Mythical Kingdom great again. Don't you want to make the Mythical Kingdom great again? What kind of a king are you?"

"Who the heck are you, by the way?" asked the king. He actually thought the MK was pretty great already, but St. Donald was very loud and very insistent, so the king was afraid that he might have overlooked some ungreatness in his kingdom.

"I am St. Donald!" blared St. Donald. "I'm great. I can slay all your dragons for you and make your kingdom great again! You don't want Incompetent St.George! You want me! I'l empty that lake for you!"

The king was beginning to think that St. George must be incompetent because St. Donald kept saying so, loudly and often.

"Besides," added St. Donald, "my friend the King of Russia says Incompetent St.George handled his emails poorly."

Well, that did it. St. Donald was the man to slay the dragon and empty the lake. The king engaged him, and St. Donald set out for the lake that very day. There was no time to lose, as the king's daughter was down by the lake, waiting to be devoured by the dragon.

The next day, St. Donald returned to the palace with both princess and dragon in tow.

"I saw to your daughter first," said St. Donald to the king. "Just walked up and grabbed her by ... you know. When you're a famous dragon slayer, you can do that. I'll be running things around here from now on, you know, and this dragon is going to be my Secretary of State. And I'm putting another 250 dragons into the lake. They'll protect you from all the foreign dragons. Am I making the Mythical Kingdom great again, or what? No, need to thank me. It's what a saint like me does."

* One version of the St. George story places the dragon-slaying in Libya.