Memo to All Employees
Subject:  Upcoming Move

Effective Monday of next week, all operations will be moved to the new facility on Shark Island.  This new location will provide the latest in spacious and gracious working environment, security from the prying eyes of competitors, and certain tax advantages.  While we have been criticized for moving "offshore," we would like to point out that we are only moving 20 miles off shore, so we have not as yet had to jettison any of our staff.

Some staff are concerned about the issue of commuting to the new facility.  We wish to point out that ample parking and bicycle racks will be provided.

The Management

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    "Yes, J.Q.?  You had a question?"
    "Um, yes, Sir.  I do.  It's about the new Shark Island facility."
    "Ah, yes.  A lovely location.  Large, roomy buildings.  Well lit.  Real rest rooms.  No more port-o-potties!  Cubes are about the same."
    "Um, that may be, Sir, but why do we have to do this in the first place.  Aside from the port-o-potties, I mean."
    "Had to get out of these cramped, rented quarters, J.Q.!  Costing the company too much money!  You're going to love Shark Island."
    "That, too, may be true."  J.Q. hesitated for a moment.  "It's the commuting that has me worried, George."
    "Oh, that?"  George raised his eyebrows.  "There's ample parking, you know."
    "It's just that the only way to get there is by boat.  What good does the parking do?"
    "Regulations," said George. "So, what's the problem?"
    "I don't have a boat," said J.Q. "And I can't afford to buy one."
    "Well, I think this company pays enough for a dedicated employee who wants to keep his job to afford a boat!" said George. "But you aren't required to buy one."
    "I'm not?" said J.Q. with relief. "So, the company will provide shuttle service?"
    "Of course not," said George. "Too expensive.  But you can always hire someone to take you there and back."
    "Uh, that would be more expensive than buying a boat."
    "Or you could catch a ride with a colleague who does have a boat," suggested George. "Or you could swim."
    "Swim?" squeaked J.Q. "By the way, why do they call it 'Shark Island?'"
    "Just a fanciful name," said George. "Just a fanciful name."

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Memo to All Employees
Subject:  Environmental Sensitivity

Amalgamated Whistle Systems has a long and illustrious history of environmental concern and support.  It is with great pleasure, therefore, that we endorse the Environmentally Sensitive Alternative Means of Transportation Initiative.  We would like everyone to consider the following alternatives to coming to work by motorboat.

1.  Swimming.
2.  Row boat.
3.  Hang gliding.
4.  Hot air balloon.
5.  The long jump.

In this and future memos, we will consider the most common objections to these forms of commuting and the answers to each.  In this memo, we will consider swimming.  Swimming is one of the cleanest, cheapest, and healthiest ways of saying, "I care" to our environment.

The 5 most common objections to swimming.

Objection 1:  I don't have anywhere to change into my work clothes, and how can I carry my work clothes, anyway?
Answer:  We have plenty of rest rooms for you to change in.  No more port-o-potties!  And just get a large ziploc bag and tie it around your neck while you swim!

Objection 2:  I don't know how to swim.
Answer:  This one's easy!  Learn!

Objection 3:  Twenty miles is too far to swim.
Answer:  Don't be a wimp!  You'll be in great shape in no time!

Objection 4:  It takes too long.
Answer:  Nonsense!  The more you swim, the faster you'll get!

Objection 5:  The sharks will eat me.
Answer:  Don't worry!  There are hardly any sharks between Shark Island and the mainland, and most of those won't bother a human being!

Happy swimming!  Next:  Row Boats.

The Management

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    "Excuse me, George."
    "Yes?"
    "I still have a few reservations about swimming to work."
    "Didn't you see the memo, J.Q.?"
    "Um, yes, I did.  But I've been doing some research on the Internet."
    "So?" said George.
    "It seems that the waters around Shark Island are one of the biggest feeding grounds in the world for sharks.  They come from all over the world to chow down."
    "Just hearsay," scoffed George.
    "But there's another thing," continued J.Q.  "I've been out looking over that stretch of sea between here and Shark Island myself."
    "And?"
    "There are an awful lot of dorsal fins out there."
    "Probably just dolphins playing," George suggested.
    "Uh, no.  I chartered a boat to get a good look, and those were definitely not dolphins."
    "So?" said George. "They won't bother you.  It said so in the memo."
    "There's a buoy out there, George.  I saw an odd looking ... notice sort of thing hanging on it, so I went in for a closer look."
    "So?"
    "It's a menu, George.  It lists things like accountants, engineers, and computer programmers.  I saw sharks popping up to read it.  There was one wearing a tux and carrying a napkin over his fin."
    "Hey, nobody said you had to swim," said George. "If you're going to be such a wimp, you can just buy a motorboat, like everyone else."

A company, which shall remain nameless, moved its employees out to a new facility on a highway with a 65 mile an hour speed limit and no shoulders.  A few months later, it issued a memo encouraging employees to consider alternative modes of transportation, absurdly including bicycling.  The many empty bicycle racks which have been provided serve chiefly as a place for employees to take smoking breaks.