"I think you should know that our Business Partners are not pleased with your performance."
    "Well, that isn't the first thing I'd hoped to hear at my performance appraisal.  Can you tell me what their complaint is?"
    "They don't see a serious commitment to the job.  And frankly, I have to agree with them.  It's either your ex-wife or your kids.  We're not seeing the full workdays you used to put in."
    "You mean the 18 to 24 hour ones?"
    "Now, now.  You know 18 hours isn't a full day.  And when you are here, your heart doesn't seem to be in it."
    "It isn't my fault!  Have you met my Ex?  I can't get her out of my hair!"
    "Be that as it may, the bottom line is that you're just not slaying enough Philistines, Samson."
    "Now, be reasonable, Judah.  She keeps sneaking into my tent at night with barber's shears.  I can't get a restraining order because they claim it's a domestic matter.  Then she drags me into court, she and her Philistine lawyers.  Have you ever gone up against a Philistine lawyer?  Gives new meaning to the word 'trial.'  I've slain sixteen of them so far, but she keeps finding new ones."
    "Speaking of Delilah," Judah continued, "what about the children?  Why not let her take care of them sometimes?"
    "Are you crazy?" Samson shrieked.  "She wants to shave their heads!  It's an obsession with her."
    "Ok," said Judah patiently.  "But the company doesn't really care about your personal problems.  You're being paid to whack Philistines, and you aren't delivering.  You were supposed to secure the city months ago, and they keep getting in.  How do you account for that?"
    "Well, if they'd lock the gate occasionally, as I've recommended, that would take care of about 80% of the problem.  Then there are the walls.  They've got breaches in them wide enough to drive a battalion through.  Which the Philistines have done several times.  I've told them to fix the darn walls!  And you know, it wouldn't hurt if you got me a little help."
    "Now, don't try to shove the blame off on someone else, Samson.  That's a very unattractive personality trait.  Philistine control is your department.  Our busy Business Partners don't have time to worry about details."
    "They're driving me crazy!"  He started pulling his own hair out.  "You, too!"
    "That's another thing," said Judah solemnly.  "Your stress level seems to be very high.  You should do something about that."
    "I should ...  How can I do anything about it?  My life is composed of three things:  fighting off Delilah, running after my kids, and keeping the Philistines out.  That's it!  When am I supposed to deal with the stress?"
    "Why, that's your responsibility, Samson!"  Judah looked shocked.  "A true professional knows how to blend all facets of his life.  If you don't, you're not a true professional.  Of course, work gets top priority."
    "Ok, I promise to do better."
    "I'm afraid that won't be good enough this time, Samson.  But I have good news.  We've found a
new assignment for you."
    "A new assignment?"  Samson was wary.
    "A fresh start will do everyone good.  I'm offering you the job of Philistine Consultant on a new project."
    "What new project?  And what's a 'Philistine Consultant?'"
    "We're going to scrap the old, outmoded anti-Philistine security system," said Judah.
    "Um, that would be me."
    Judah ignored him.  "We've purchased a modern, off-the-shelf security system!  It's called 'Midia.'"
    "Uh-oh!  I've heard of Midia.  It's designed to combat Midianites.  That's a whole different ballgame.  They're not nearly as mean or nasty or unhygienic."
    "I'm way ahead of you," Judah beamed.  "Of course, it needs customization.  That's where you come in with your knowledge of Philistine ways.  You'll advise the team on how to modify Midia to handle Philistines."
    "Advise?"
    "Yes.  It's a whole new system with an entirely different set of weapons. You don't have the experience to use them.  And I want to make one thing perfectly clear:  Asses jawbones are right out!  I can't stress this enough.  No more asses' jawbones!"
    "Aw, Chief!  Sometimes you have to use what's available."
    "One of our principal Business Partners is still sore from where you yanked his jawbone off!  I think you know who I mean!"
    "It was an emergency!  I gave it right back afterwards!"
    "In any case," Judah continued, "you will do no slaying in your new role!  You will have to wear a coat and tie and get a nice, neat, short haircut!"
    "But slaying is what I do best.  I don't know anything about consulting.  Do I have any choice in the matter?"
    "Choice?  Of course you have a choice!"
    "So, what are my other choices?"
    "Well," said Judah, "you can take the new position or not take it.  If you take it, you get to keep eating, living in a house, buying clothes, maintaining your oxcart, and paying for your kids' orthodontia."
    "And if I don't?"
    "I don't know," said Judah with a shrug.  "But you don't get to keep doing those other things."
    "Judah," said Samson thoughtfully, "do you remember about a year ago when the Council offered me a nice little piece of land and some goats?"
    "Yes, I do.  I couldn't possibly let you go at the time.  You were too critical to the mission."
    "Well, how about now?  Am I still critical to the mission?"
    "No.  Now, you're a horse's hindquarters.  The land and the goats are out."
    "So, before, I was too good, so I didn't get it."
    "That's right."
    "But now, I'm not good enough, so I don't get it."
    "Correct."
    "I don't get it."
    "Now you've got it!"
    "Look, are we done yet?" asked Samson wearily.
    "Not  quite!" piped Judah brightly.  "I'm putting you on a Performance Improvement Plan.  You have 90 days to shape up, or you're fired!"
    "How are you going to decide that?"
    "Don't worry.  This is a very objective process with clearly defined criteria and metrics."
    "I'm going from a job at which I am highly skilled and experienced to one I know nothing about.  The two jobs have different duties and require different skills.  What kind of criteria and metrics can you possibly use?  And, assuming that you could actually come up with these fantastic criteria and metrics, how could I possibly 'improve?'  Aren't you just setting me up to fail, so that you can fire me with a clear conscience and a pile of documentation?"
    Judah looked startled for a moment.  "Have you been eavesdropping?  I mean, of course not!  How dare you impugn the integrity of this company!"
    "Save it,"  sighed Samson.  "I've always wanted to open a bagel shop.  Come and visit sometime.  I'll give you a deal on the holes."