Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
    "Thank you for calling the Minuteman Help Desk.  Please pay close attention to all menu choices before making a selection.  If this is a Human Resources matter, press 1.  If this is a payroll matter, press 2.  If you wish to make a requisition, press 3.  If this is a British invasion, press 4."
    Paul pressed 4.
    "If this is an invasion by land, press 1.  If this is an invasion by sea, press 2.  If this is an invasion by air, press 3.  If this is any other kind of invasion, press 4."
    "Air?" Paul muttered. "Other?"  But he pressed 1.
    "To enter invasion information, please enter your password, followed by the pound sign."
    "The Redcoats are coming!" shouted Paul into the receiver. "I don't know anything about any password.  The Redcoats are coming!"
    "Please enter your password now."
    "I don't know any password!" pleaded Paul, frantically pushing buttons at random.
    "If you have forgotten your password, press 1 for our Automated Password Reset."
    Paul pressed 1.
    "Please enter your home telephone number, followed by the pound sign."
    Paul entered his telephone number.
    "Please enter your 5-digit zip code, followed by the pound sign."
    "What the heck is a zip code?" Paul asked.
    "Please enter your blood type, followed by the pound sign."
    "The Redcoats are coming!  The Redcoats are coming!" screamed Paul. "I demand to speak to a human being!"
    "Please enter the capital of Georgia."
    "I can hear the drums now!" Paul bellowed.
    "If one train started from Boston at 3 a.m. traveling 40 mph, and another started from New York at 4:10 a.m., traveling at 35 mph, where and when would they collide?  Please enter your answer, followed by the pound sign."
    "Eek!" shrieked Paul. "This isn't going to work.  I need a horse!  I know!  There was a menu choice for requisitioning stuff!"
    Paul dialed again.  Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
    Paul punched 3 on the menu to make a requisition.
    "If you wish to requisition weapons, press 1.  If you wish to requisition food, press 2.  If you wish to requisition clothing, press 3.  If you wish to requisition a horse, press 4."
    Paul pressed 4.
    "To requisition a horse, please enter your password, followed by the pound sign."
    "The Redcoats are marching by my shop!" screamed Paul.  "How do I get to speak to a human being?"
    "If you have forgotten your password, ..."

    "Cap'n!  We caught this 'un runnin' down the middle of the street shoutin' 'The Redcoats is 'ere!  The Redcoats is 'ere!'  What should I do with 'im?"
    "Thank you, Sergeant.  Just toss 'im in the drunk tank for the night.  He ought to sober up by morning."

This edition of "Little Known Historical Vignettes" has been brought to you by Her Majesty's Loyal Historical Society of the American Colonies.